Rough House
by GrimmZ
Summary: Ryoga wanders onto Tenchi's show which causes a feud between Ranma and Tenchi. Whats more Ryoga keeps getting lost, who else will he tick off? Maybe DBZ and Sailor Moon! FIN
1. No Need for a Stupid Title!

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. If I did I wouldn't write fanfics, I'd be making the real thing. But I'm not, cause I don't, did you get that? I don't own Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, Inuyasha(SP? Like I care) Gundam Wing or Harry Potter either.  
  
Grimm: Yeah. Hi everybody!  
Crowd: Yay!  
Grimm: Forewarning, this fic is Ry/Na, but it aint all bad.  
Crowd: (crickets chirp)  
Grimm: . . . never mind.  
Guy in Crowd: God dictates Akane and Ranma!  
Woman in crowd: To hell with Ranma, Shampoo and Akane! Girl power!  
Another guy: Let's see a six-some! Ranma, Shampoo, Ukyo, Akane, Kasumi and chick Ranma!  
Grimm: Leave my Kasumi out of that! Oh just SHUT UP!  
Crowd: (crickets chirp)  
Grimm shoots the cricket.  
Grimm: Now, if you don't mind, lets begin.  
  
CHAPTER I (REVISED)  
No Need for a Stupid Title  
  
Tenchi was minding his own business in the carrot garden, hoeing and that sort of thing. Basically doing . . . nothing important. Suddenly he was surprised to see a young man walk up to him. This young man had a large backpack, with an umbrella. He wore a yellow and black bandana and a dull yellow shirt with worn green pants.  
"Hello, I'm looking for the Tendo Dojo, do you know where I can find it?" He asked.  
Tenchi growled and leveled the hoe on the young man. "So! You're one of those Ranma jerks! Well I got news for you, you're in the wrong show!"  
"Oh, sorry." The young man said with a shrug.  
"Beat it! Before I sick my six pack on you!" Tenchi cried.  
"Six pack?"  
"My six women!"  
"Yeah, okay." The invader said. He turned and started walking away, Techni threw carrots at him. "America is MY domain! Don't you dare come back!" He cried. "You Ranma jerks may be big in Japan but your time has come and gone! It's my world now! Tenchi is the future!"  
"Tenchi, what are you doing?" Ryouko demanded, Tenchi turned and grinned.  
"Eh . . . This guy from Ranma One Half just showed up and stole our carrots!"  
"WHAT!" Sasami cried. "Stole OUR carrots? I need those to cook!"  
"I need them for my experiments!" Washu cried.  
"I need them for my Bugs Bunny impressions." Mihoshi cried.  
"That Cabit thing needs them for food!" Kiyone added.  
"Meow!" Ryoohki agreed.  
"And I need them for . . . eh . . . well I can't actually tell you what I use them for, this story is rated PG-13." Aeka said.  
"Then eh . . . let's go get revenge!" Tenchi cried.  
  
Some Time later, at the Tendo Training Hall . . .  
  
"Oh! Hi Ryoga! What's that you have there? Carrots? Sensu beans? Oh no, you got lost again didn't you?" Kasumi asked.  
"Yes." Ryoga said. "Uh, I don't mean to be rude, but is-"  
"Yes, Ranma is here." Kasumi said cheerfully. Before Ryoga could correct her, she cried out "Ranma! Your little friend, Ryoga is here to play!"  
Ranma came reluctantly towards the door. "What do you want Ryoga? Come to fight me again?"  
"No, I came here to see Akane." Ryoga said indignantly. "I can always settle my feud with you, after I give Akane my many traveling presents."  
"I'm so glad you found an up-side to your disability Ryoga. I'll make a stew with these carrots, thank you!" Kasumi said, again cheerfully.  
"What exactly have you got for her anyway?" Ranma asked. "Anything good? Lemme see."  
"Hey!" Ryoga cried as Ranma snatched his gift and inspected it.  
"What the . . . you stumbled into that Inuyasha show, didn't you?" Ranma asked, holding up a small jewel shard.  
"So what if I did?" Ryoga asked. "I'm sure Akane will love it! With this I can win her heart at last!"  
"Win whose heart?" Akane asked.  
Ryoga was lost for words, so naturally Ranma took up the slack. "Oh, Ryoga was just talking about how this stupid jewel piece will win him your eternal-" Ranma was cut off when Ryoga elbowed him in the chest.  
"He's talking nonsense. But eh . . . if you want it, I'll give it to you, I mean, I don't need it." Ryoga said. He decided he sounded very cool, yes he'd definitely covered the tracks Ranma had made for him, now Akane would never know how he felt! Wait . . . wait that's not how it's supposed to be!  
"Uh . . . gee, thanks Ryoga. I mean . . . I'll find some use for it, you're so . . . uh . . . kind." Akane said in a friendly, yet slightly uninterested manner.  
"You could have at least had it turned into a necklace." Nabiki said from some unseen area of the house. Ryoga was still waiting outside, so he couldn't see Nabiki, nor could he see where Kasumi had gone. "Or a bracelet. Honestly, what is she supposed to do with that thing?"  
"Do you want it?" Ryoga and Akane demanded together, though Akane sounded more like she was offering it, Ryoga was being sarcastic.  
Nabiki appeared out of nowhere and inspected the jewel. "It's worthless. But I'll take it." She said.  
"Okay, here." Akane said. "Hey, Ranma lets go play in my room!" Akane and Ranma ran off. Ryoga was left standing in the doorway with his jaw on the floor.  
"Are you still here?" Nabiki asked. "Well I guess you can come in, but it'll be a few minutes before Akane and Ranma are done "playing" up there. Akane just got a new pair of handcuffs she's wanted to try out on Ranma. You might as well take a seat."  
Ryoga sat down and waited for Akane and Ranma to finish playing. What were they playing anyway? The couldn't possibly spar in Akane's room, and they certainly couldn't play ball. Ryoga had been gone for several episodes, but he was sure Akane had had no playground equipment installed in her room.  
Oh well, they'd be finished soon, then he could spend more time with Akane!  
Several minutes passed. Then a half-hour. Then an hour. Eventually Ryoga found himself lying on the floor reading a magazine Nabiki had let him borrow.  
"Dinner is almost ready!" Kasumi said from the kitchen. "Oh, Ryoga you will stay for dinner wont you?"  
"Uh, I dunno." Ryoga said. He was getting sort of bored. Though he WAS amazed at how hot Goku looked in GT---aahhh! "It's getting late, I should be going."  
"You WILL stay for dinner!" Kasumi said. "I'm cooking the carrots you brought, it'll be great! And when father and Mr. Saotome get back we can eat!"  
"Carrots?" Nabiki asked. "You stumbled into Tenchi-Territory, didn't you Ryoga?"  
"I can't remember." Ryoga said honestly. "Though I do know that some guy with a pony tail was throwing them at me and saying something about his six pack."  
"Tenchi-territory." Nabiki sighed. "Gosh, don't you have a compass or something?"  
"Uh, yes." Ryoga said. He decided to change the subject, "Hey, look at this! Isn't that Heero Yuy just to DIE for?"  
Nabiki gave him a strange look, then went back to her own magazine.  
Ryoga was getting extremely bored now, he was desperate. He had to do something. He jumped up and said, "I know!" He'd turn into P-Chan and see what Akane was doing, sure it was spying, but he was bored as a dog!  
"You know?" Kasumi asked.  
"Know what?" Nabiki sighed, then added "Never mind, I don't care."  
"I'll just be a minute." Ryoga said. "I have to use the restroom, please excuse me."  
"Be back in time for dinner." Kasumi said.  
"Don't worry!" Ryoga said, running off in the wrong direction and ending up in the closet.  
  
Several hours later . . .  
Akane and Ranma finally finished their game of Monopoly and came to eat dinner, unfortunately Ryoga wasn't around. Nabiki didn't particularly care that Ryoga wasn't around, she barely noticed when he was. However she was slightly concerned that in his stupidity he'd stumble upon her secret "cash stash" where she kept some yen, just in case she needed to look at it and glow.  
"If I weren't so tight for money, I'd buy that boy a real compass." Nabiki mumbled to herself.  
"Didn't he say he already has one?" Kasumi asked.  
"Tight for money!?" Ranma demanded. "You've gotta be kidding!"  
"I avoid any scenario where I have to spend money or otherwise lose it." Nabiki said calmly. "Thus I am always tight for money."  
  
Ryoga had gotten lost again.  
"So you're saying your looking for the Tendo training hall? But I don't know where that is." Sailor Moon said. "And you're getting in the way of our fight with that evil mutant monster!"  
"Sorry." Ryoga sighed.  
"Just leave-AAAHHHH!" Sailor Moon cried as the monster's tentacles grabbed her and the rest of the team. "Where is Tuxedo Mask when you need him?" She cried. "Hey, weird guy, help us!" But Ryoga was gone, and so Sailor Moon and the scouts were eaten, swearing revenge.  
  
Three Days Later  
  
Nabiki came into her room from the bath, closing the door behind her and locking it. She wore only a small blue towel (heh-heh) around her torso. She walked over to her closet, to get a pair of pajamas or something to wear. As she did, Ryoga fell out.  
"Aaah!" Nabiki cried.  
"Aaah!" Ryoga agreed.  
"What are you doing here!?" Nabiki demanded.  
"I was lost in this wilderness of snow and ice, then I met this faun, and we danced and played near a lamppost-"  
"You're nuts!" Nabiki cried. "Get out of here!" She tried to push him towards the door, but in the effort her towel fell down.  
Ryoga was frozen for a second or two, gazing at Nabiki's naked body in a state that is best described as shock. Nabiki waved her hands in front of his face, but the boy made no reaction.  
"Honestly, you're just pathetic." She sighed. "Why can't you get lost in Ranma's closet?" She went back to the closet and grabbed a pair of pajamas. Nabiki dressed herself, then tried waving her hands in front of Ryoga again. She snapped her fingers, and finally Ryoga came out of his daze.  
"Oh! Nabiki! Come quick! I have to show it to you!"  
"What? The closet? I've seen it."  
"No! The wilderness of snow and ice! Come!" Ryoga grabbed Nabiki's arm, and tried to jump out the window. Nabiki hit him on the back of the head and he fell to the ground unconscious.  
"Get some rest, and in the morning, bother Ranma, not me." Nabiki instructed.  
  
And the next morning Ryoga did indeed bother Ranma. And Akane. And even Kasumi, searching desperately for some one who'd believe his story about the wilderness. Kasumi bought it and said that she herself had been there on occasion until she turned eighteen and a big lion told her she was to old to come back anymore, but she could come back for the last and extremely boring battle and he'd contact her when that was about to go down because he needed a good cook. Nabiki had a headache just listening to them.  
And gradually Ryoga got lost again. Only this time in his absence there was a knock on the door and there stood Tenchi with his stupid light saber and his bitch pride.  
"We've come for the wondering boy who stole our carrots!" Tenchi announced.  
"I see . . . too bad he isn't here. And he said you threw them at him."  
"Tenchi!" Ryouko cried. "You said he attacked you and stole them!"  
"Eh . . . well that's what happened, he must have LIED!"  
"Ryoga is to stupid to tell a good lie." Nabiki commented. "Now get back to your own incest promoting show before I call the cops."  
"Just because lord Tenchi and I are blood relatives, and just because we have sex like jack rabbits does not mean we promote incest!" Aeka snapped.  
"Yes, you just practice it." Nabiki yawned. "Later days." She slammed the door in Tenchi's face.  
  
"This is more serious than we thought." Aeka said. "They won't surrender their carrot thief!"  
"I'm not entirely sure why we're bothering with them." Mihoshi interjected. "After all, our show is much more popular."  
"Only in America!" Tenchi cried. "That's why we can't let these Ranma one half jerks push us around! I know what we'll do! We'll get Goku to beat him up for us!"  
"Yay! No one beats Goku!" Sasami said happily. "Dragon Ball Z is even more popular than our own show!"  
  
And so to King Kai's little moon plant thing, the gang sent Ryoohki (their cute little bunny rabbit thing) to find Goku!  
Meanwhile Goku was standing on said planet thing talking to King Kai about his latest pupil.  
"He just wondered here an episode or two ago, asking for directions to the Tendo training hall." King Kai said. "When I found out he was a martial artist I offered to train him if he could make me laugh!"  
Goku smiled. "Wow! He looks really strong too!"  
"Yes," King Kai agreed. "But he isn't funny at all. So I trained him wrong. As a joke. He's an idiot."  
"Master Kai! I'm serious now, I need to go home and see my rival and his fiancée who is also my own love interest, and I need to sneak into her older sister's closet to save that nice Faun from the white witch!"  
"He rambles on like that." King Kai said. "It's best to ignore him."  
Goku nodded. Then Ryoohki leapt onto his shoulder.  
"Oh! Hello little fellow!" Goku said happily.  
"Meow! Meow meow!" 'Feed me!'  
"What? Tenchi is trapped down a well?"  
"Meow! Meow!" 'No! Feed me!'  
"What? Tenchi and the gang are being harassed by the wondering boy from Ranma 1/2 and they need my help to beat him so he'll stop stealing their carrots?"  
"MEOW!" 'Carrots? Where?'  
"I'm off! Sorry I have to leave so soon King Kai!" Goku said.  
"Why the heck did you come here in the first place?" Kai demanded, but Goku was gone.  
"King Kai!" the wondering boy shouted. "What was that about?"  
"Nothing." King Kai sighed. "Now, lets go over the Spirit Bomb again. Do you remember what to do?"  
"I gather strength from all the living things around me right?"  
"What? Heavens no!" King Kai said. "No, no, no! You extinguish your own life force and give to the animals and such around you!"  
"Huh?"  
  
It took Goku a while to figure out how to get out of the DBZ universe and into the Ranma universe. During which he gained quite a following, such as Harry Potter, Sailor Moon's ghost and a few other anime characters (Potter being an outcast since he was a book character)  
By the time he arrived Ryoga had finished his training with King Kai (lost to Ranma and honestly believed himself the winner) and saved all of the magical lands in Nabiki's closet from various witches and warlocks trying to conquer.  
Nabiki wasn't entirely sure why Ryoga was spending so much time in her closet, but for safety purposes she locked him in during the nights. His safety or hers she wasn't completely sure, the boy needed to be locked up in a nice place with padded walls.  
It was on one such night that Goku and his small army arrived at the Tendo training hall, looking for Ryoga.  
"We're here for the wondering boy who stole Tenchi's carrots!" Goku said.  
"We've got torches!" Potter added. "We've formed a lynch mob and were not afraid to use it!"  
"Ignore the German pip, no one likes him anyway." Sailor Moon cried.  
"Actually I'm English!" Potter protested.  
"Did the book person say something?" Sailor Moon's ghost asked.  
"Listen up!" Nabiki shouted. "I am TRYING to sleep! Come back in the morning!"  
"But we want to kill the carrot thief!" Goku whined. "I'm the hero! I gotta kill bad guys!"  
"Ryoga isn't a bad guy!" Nabiki protested. "He's just . . . kinda stupid. Now be gone or I'll call your mothers!"  
"My mom is dead!" Potter cried.  
"Mine too!" Goku added.  
"My mom is a penny-prostitute!" Sailor Moon added. Everyone stared at her. "What? She is!"  
"More information than I needed, thank you Miss. Moon." Nabiki sighed. She threw a shoe out the window. "Now beat it!"  
And so the crowd milled about for a few days before Ryoga finally found his way out of Nabiki's closet.  
"I've had the greatest adventure!" he cried. "I was on this space ship and we went through a black hole and-"  
"I'm happy for you. Now get out of my closet, and go fight those losers waiting outside our doorway." Nabiki told him.  
"Yeah! We can't get to school anymore!" Akane cried. "We sent Ranma out there a second ago to clear the path but they all started throwing things at him and then he was trampled by them."  
  
Outside  
Ranma looked around the crowd. "T-Shirts! GET YER T-SHIRTS!" He cried. "Get yer very own 'I kicked Ryoga's ass' T-Shirt! Only two thousand yen, zeni, or woolongs a shirt! Special price of five hundred dollars for American pigs!"  
"That's something I'd really expect from Nabiki." Ukyo observed as she passed by.  
"It is something I really wanted to do." Nabiki admitted from her window. "Anyway, we're sending Ryoga out!" She announced. The mob began milling about, lighting their torches again so they could by a lynch mob (even though it was nowhere near as dramatic during the day time)  
Ryoga came out and the mob . . . well they mobbed him, duh!  
"You let me and my friends get eaten!" Sailor Moon cried.  
"You stole Tenchi's carrots!" Goku cried.  
"I have no reason to be angry at you, but I want to be part of the in-crowd!" Potter added.  
"And worst of all, you came into my TV show!" Tenchi cried.  
"But you're all on our TV show now." Ryoga noted.  
Everyone paused. Then frowned.  
"It's okay!" Ryoga said happily. "Because I know what we can do! We can all go and play in the big cold winter wasteland with that nice faun! Onward! To Nabiki's closet!"  
Nabiki's famous last words before she was trampled near to death trying to block her door way "Admission two at a time! Two thousand yen per customer!"  
She glared at Ryoga, who herded everyone into the closet.   
How they all managed to fit was beyond her, when the last person-Tenchi-was in Ryoga slammed the door behind them and laughed maniacally. "Hah! Now I've saved the day!" He said.  
"You put them in my closet!" Nabiki cried.  
"But I saved the day." Ryoga said with a wink.  
Nabiki struggled to her feet and tromped over to the closet, she opened the door and found it empty . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Nabiki: I'll kill you some day Grimm!  
Grimm: Why?  
Nabiki: That was STUPID!  
Grimm: That was the point. It gets better though.  
Nabiki: I hope so!  
Ryoga: I'm not as stupid as you're making me either!  
Grimm: Yes, yes I know. Don't worry this chapter is just random stupidness and foundation laying. It'll be much better written next time.  
Nabiki: There won't BE a next time! Get him!  
Ryoga, Ranma, Goku, Sailor Moon, Harry Potter and Tenchi all dog pile Grimm and beat the snot out of him.  
Ranma: I got his wallet!  
Ryoga: Credit card!  
Nabiki: I'll take those-thank you! (Snatches them)  
Goku: I got a blockbuster video membership card!  
Tenchi: I got a gold watch!  
Sailor Moon: I got a chunk of hair!  
Potter: And THAT would be MINE! (Bleeds to death and . . . well . . . dies) 


	2. Read Me or I'll DIE!

Disclaimer: I don't own jack squat!  
Jack Squat: Stop teasing my name!  
Disclaimer: . . . eh . . . okay fine. I don't own Ranma 1/2, Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi, Digimon, Pokemon, or Final Fantasy 9  
  
Part II (REVISED)  
No Need for Materia!  
  
Kasumi came downstairs early in the morning to prepare breakfast. It'd been two days since Ryoga, showing incredible cruel planning and cunning, had locked a small hord of aggressors in Nabiki's closet. Interestingly enough they weren't there when Ranma opened the door later.  
Kasumi was quite surprised to discover that Ranma and Akane were waiting for her at the dinner table with several small children dressed in various old fashioned costumes.  
"Oh!" Kasumi gasped. "Halloween!" She squealed with delight and ran up to her room, returning moments later with a gravity defying large bowl of candy which she poured onto the table.  
"Candy!" A little girl with blue-purple hair cried. "CANDY!"  
"No! Don't let her get to sugar!" Said a cute little boy with a mask that made him look like a rat.  
"Ahem . . ." A little boy dressed up like a knight said. "Excuse me, I am called Stiener-"  
"Like from Battletech?" Kasumi asked. She whispered "Actually Battletech is futuristic, not dark ages"  
"What? What? No! My NAME is Stiener!" The little boy said, jumping up and down making a clinking sound.  
"Oh!" Kasumi said. "Well . . . have some candy!" She said, happily shoving some into the little boy's grim face.  
"Eh . . . thank you for the candy . . ." a blonde boy with a slender face and a long tail said. "But we are here on business . . . and the majority of us are not kids."  
"CANDY!" The little girl with the horn cried.  
"She's the minority." The blonde boy added.  
"So Ranma!" Kasumi enthused. "Where did you get all these new friends?"  
"They followed us." Akane said.  
"Followed you? Where did you go this early?" Kasumi asked.  
"Curse you going to bed so early!" Ranma glared at Kasumi. "It's not morning yet, it's midnight!"  
Kasumi frowned. "What? Some one didn't tell the sun it was time to rise!" She cried.  
"I can make the sun rise!" A little boy whose face was hidden by a large bent steepled hat said. "Wanna see? Firaga!"  
"NNNOOOO!" The blonde boy cried.  
"Ooh! Fire works!" Kasumi said happily, clapping her hands as the steepled hat boy ran around the room screaming because he'd set his hat on fire.  
"Introductions are in order." A kid with blue skin and red hair said. "I'm Amarant, but people have this strange habit of calling me 'Salamander' but since the player has the ability to change my name at will I don't care what you call me." He said.  
"Do you know a girl named Lindsay?" Kasumi asked.  
"Probably not." Salamander said.  
"I'm Eiko! And that's my boyfriend, Zidane!" The girl eating candy cried pointing to the blonde boy.  
"I'm Stiener, and the little black mage with the flaming hat is Vivi, but you may call him Master Vivi." Stiener said.  
"Charmed, I'm sure." Kasumi said.  
"I'm Garnet Til Alexan-"  
"Dagger!" The blonde boy corrected her.  
"That's the dumbest name ever!" Dagger cried. "Okay fine! I'm Dagger."  
"It's a lovely name." Kasumi yawned. She wanted to go to bed. She was disappointed to learn that it WAS NOT Halloween after all.  
"I am Freya." The rat boy said. "And I know what you're thinking . . . no I'm not a boy."  
"I'm so sorry." Kasumi said, consoling the poor deformed girl.  
"And I'm supposed to look like this!" She continued.  
"That's right!" Kasumi said encouragingly. "Don't let anyone ever tell you different!"  
"I Quinna." A large . . . boy or girl or something with his tongue sticking out said.  
"Are you a Pokemon?" Kasumi asked.  
"I not think so . . ." Quinna said.  
"Shame. Gotta catch em all you know." Kasumi sighed.  
"Yes we know. There have been several attempts on Quinna's life by some freak named Ash." Zidane said. "Anyway, I'm Zidane."  
"Yes, your girl friend introduced you." Kasumi said.  
"She's not really my girlfriend." Zidane sighed.  
"Yes, were engaged!" The now extremely fat chocolate eating girl announced.  
"To the POINT!" Stiener interrupted. "We are here searching for four fugitives from our world. They stole an air ship called the Invincible and went for a joy ride, we thought nothing of it, but then we got a message that the Invincible was in impound and we were being billed five billion gil. We must find our friends and insure they are okay . . . so we can force them to pay the bill."  
"Oh . . . well I don't know very many little children . . ." Kasumi said.  
"They're not children." Zidane said. "Their just . . . well compared to you guys, really short."  
"We must seek them out and bring them to justice because if we don't we have no idea what their capable of." Freya continued. "They are very powerful one and all. They're all level twenty!"  
"Level twenty?" Ranma cried sarcastically. "Oh NO!"  
"Shut up Ranma!" Akane cried. "You don't even know what they're talking about!"  
"A point I cant argue with . . . though I'd like to." Ranma observed.  
"So what are their names?" Kasumi asked. "Maybe I know their parents."  
Zidane sighed. "Well, if you'd be paying attention to what we've said then you'd know that that's impossible. But fine. Their names are, Marcus, Blank, Lani and Cinna."  
"But Quinna is right here!" Kasumi cried. "How wonderful! You found one of them!"  
"Uh . . . Cinna." Zidane repeated. "With a C."  
"Oh . . . okay." Kasumi sighed. "Do you know why they ran away?"  
"Yes." Stiener said. "They were trying to start up their own video game but got lost somewhere in Pokemon Red and that's where we met this boy, Ash who wants to enslave Quinna. That's also where we left the Invincible."  
  
In the 'real' world a little boy was playing Pokemon Red. He turns to his friend "Hey look! The SS Anne is different in Red version than it is in Blue!"  
"Yeah! It looks kind of like that Air Ship from Final Fantasy Nine!"  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
Goku sat in war council with Tenchi and his friends.  
"Ryoga is indeed a worthy foe." Tenchi said.  
"The force is with him indeed." Washu said.  
"Why did we want to kill him?" Goku asked.  
"Mm? Oh I don't remember." Tenchi said.  
"He attacked you and stole our carrots." Aeka said.  
"Oh yeah. That." Tenchi sighed.  
Goku frowned. "Do you realize that he managed to send us all to a new dimension? Do you realize that we wasted two days waiting outside the Tendo home wanting to beat him up simply because he stole some carrots?"  
"Hey!" Tenchi cried. "He really did steal them!"  
"I never said he didn't!" Goku sighed. "The point is there is only one way to get us out of here . . . we have to get a message to my friends and have them use the Dragon Balls to wish us out!"  
"Always you and those Dragon Balls!" Tenchi cried. "The way you guys collect them no one else gets to make a wish!"  
"Hey, we need em more!" Goku cried.  
"For what? To come back to life after your irresponsible war binges?" Aeka demanded. "Honestly, at least none of the good guys in OUR show die!"  
"None of the bad guys either I bet." Goku mumbled.  
"Now now," Mihoshi said. "I'm sure were all just a little cranky being trapped in this wilderness of ice and snow and that stupid lamppost."  
"Curse that lamppost." Sasami agreed.  
"Luckily we found and ate those beavers." Kiyone added. "I was starving!"  
"I wonder where Ryoohki went to." Sasami added.  
"Yeah, we could probably use it to escape." Tenchi said.  
"Why couldn't I have been trapped in here with that girl Ryoga likes? At least she isn't an idiot." Goku sighed.  
"No, just a tomboy with no sex appeal." Sailor Moon scoffed.  
"Hey!" Sailor Jupiter scowled.  
"Oh! Sorry, you know you've got sex appeal up the yin yang." Sailor Moon appologized.  
"Darn right!" Jupiter scowled. "Who were we talking about?"  
"That girl Ryoga fawns over." Tenchi noted.  
"She has a pet pig doesn't she?" Sasami asked. "I wanna be her friend!"  
"See?" Goku asked. "Why make war when we can all be friends?"  
"Because they're more popular than us!" Tenchi cried.  
"And that girl said we promote incest!" Aeka cried.  
"But you do!" Goku sighed.  
" . . . That doesn't mean it isn't a . . . eh . . . sensitive subject." Aeka said.  
"I know what we'll do! Once we find a way out we'll smash the Tendo Home and burn it to the ground!" Ryouko said cheerfully.  
"Uh . . . okay, I'm going to just use instant transmission to leave . . . you guys can stay here and plot I guess."  
"What? Why didn't you do that sooner?" Tenchi cried.  
"Huh? Oh I dunno." Goku shrugged. "Didn't think of it. Anyway, bye. I'll come back for you when you guys have cooled down a bit."  
"GAH!" Tenchi cried, leaping out at Goku as he disappeared . . . unfortunately he missed and hit the lamppost.  
"Tenchi's down! Hold him for me and I'll have my way with him, thin I'll return the favor for any of you!" Ryouko cried. The girls all cheered (except Sasami, she's too young)  
  
"So let me get this strait . . . you're not kids . . . and you want your own video game?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yes." Blank said. "We're gonna call it Blank World."  
"Try Lani Land!" Lani corrected him.  
"I thought it was going to be called The Adventures of Marcus and Co!" Marcus cried.  
"Oh forget I said anything!" Ryoga cried.  
"The point is, we need you to be our guide." Lani said. "So we can find our way out of Anime land. We're not exactly animated for it."  
"Oh . . ." Ryoga frowned. His chest swelled with pride at being asked to be a guide . . . and yet . . . these guys obviously didn't know whom they were dealing with. "I'd be honored." Ryoga said. After all they had no idea where they were anyway so certainly they wouldn't notice if he walked them in circles for a little while.  
"We requite five thousand yen per day." Nabiki added.  
"When did you get here?" Ryoga asked.  
"I've always been here. You just didn't notice." Nabiki said.  
"Oh . . ." Ryoga frowned. "Okay . . ."  
"How much is yen?" Blank asked. "We have Gil . . ."  
Nabiki frowned. "Well what is that?"  
"Little gold coins . . ."  
"In other words worthless?" Ryoga asked.  
"Well . . . if all you country bumpkins have is little worthless gold coins I'll take-it's real gold right?(they nodded) I'll take it!" Nabiki announced.  
"Good." Ryoga said, happy that he'd get to help these poor worthless children. "Oh! Hello there, have we met?" Ryoga asked the man wearing orange with a strange haircut standing in front of him.  
"Maybe . . . you've met my father." Gohan said. "I'm looking for him. He recently fought some one called Ryoga and I'm trying to find out if he's okay . . . and if necessary I will have to kill Ryoga."  
Ryoga frowned. "Eh . . . he lives at the Tendo Training hall where he goes by the name Ranma, he's also a notorious shape shifter so he'll either look like a tough looking boy with a pigtail and black hair, or a cute girl with red hair and a pig tail." Ryoga said. "The pigtail is the constant though."  
"He has a sidekick named Kuno." Nabiki added. "If you see him tell him he owes Nabiki five million yen."  
"Why does he owe you money?" Ryoga asked.  
"Hmm? He doesn't, but he's too rich and stupid to keep track." Nabiki said. "No off! Go on Gohan person, kill Ryoga and collect my money!"  
"Okay!" Gohan said. "Many thanks to you kind wanderers."  
"Moron." Nabiki sighed when Gohan ran off.  
"Hey, isn't your name Ryoga?" Lani asked.  
"Uh . . ." Ryoga frowned when Gohan appeared again.  
"So you're Ryoga!" He cried. "And I bet you're really his sidekick Kuno!" He said pointing at Nabiki.  
Nabiki frowned. "Excuse me? Confusing me with Kuno-baby? I think not." She shook her head. "Now get out of here before you really make me mad."  
"We'll get revenge for the death of Goku!" Gohan cried.  
"Yeah!" A little bald guy with no nose said.  
"But he isn't even dead!" Ryoga protested. "He's just in the magical land in Nabiki's closet!"  
"Okay if you don't stop talking about my closet I'm gonna kill you too." Nabiki warned. "People are gonna think you're a drug addict!"  
"He's not?" Gohan wondered.  
"Hey! You guys be quiet!" Soun shouted from his window.  
Ryoga frowned. "Huh? Were right outside the Teno Training hall? Weren't we in a forest a moment ago?"  
"No." Nabiki said.  
"Now prepare to die!" Gohan said.   
"Yeah!" Krillin said. The two of them leapt at Ryoga, but stopped in mid air and stayed there.  
"Thank goodness their battle scenes take several episodes to even initiate." Ryoga sighed.  
  
"No!" Goku sighed. "I don't want to buy a Digivice! I just want to get to my own TV series!"  
"Oh . . . well do you want to buy a Digimon?" the old man asked.  
"No!" Goku cried.  
  
DBZ Announcer: And so various warriors in various places gather for the final battle!  
Grimm: Like fun they are!  
Announcer: . . . well then . . . what IS going on?  
Grimm: Y'got me. This story isn't really supposed to have a plot.  
Announcer: . . . oh . . . well then . . . eh . . . NEXT TIME! ON DRAGON...BALL...ZZZZZZ!  
Grimm: (Ahem) Ranma one half.  
Announcer: Dang it!  
Grimm: Beat it.  
Announcer: I'll be back!  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	3. No Need for a War!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. There are NO OCs for me to claim ownership over, and it's easier for me to just fuggin say I DON'T OWN ANYTHING but the plot (if we ever figure out if one exists) Also, the views expressed on the similarities between Akiko Mishima and Nabiki Tendo are my own, they do not truly reflect an Anime conspiracy.  
  
Part III (REVISED)  
No Need for a WAR!  
  
"Forward!" Tenchi cried. Ryouko hung on his shoulder like a decoration.  
"Thou attacks the Tendo home?" A guy with a dress and a wooden sword asked. "I, Upperclassman Kuno, forbid it!"  
"That devil-woman is hugging Lord-Tenchi? I won't allow it!" Aeka cried.  
She and Kuno paused . . .  
"I forbid it!" Kuno cried.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka snapped.  
"I forbid it!" Kuno argued.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka argued.  
"My god, Aeka has met her soul mate!" Ryouko said in honest shock.  
"I forbid it!" Kuno snapped at Ryouko.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka agreed.  
"Forget them!" Tenchi cried. "ATTACK!"  
And so the small army of Tenchi-Extras and his female generals charged forward towards the happy little Tendo home . . . it's only defender arguing with Aeka over what he would and would not forbid and Aeka simply not allowing anything at all.  
"Hold up!" A boy with a pigtail cried.  
"Run him down!" General Tenchi cried.  
"Howzat? Hey!" The boy cried as the Tenchi-Extras ran him over.  
"Victory is in our grasp!" Tenchi shouted, he was amazed, he could see that he might actually capture the Tendo home!  
Then the unexpected happened. A tall beautiful woman with long hair stood in the doorway with a frying pan. "What? Guests for dinner?"  
"It's their queen! Kill her!" Tenchi cried.  
"Queen?" The woman asked. She looked around. "Queen?" She repeated.  
However Tenchi had lost control of his army. At the mere sight of food . . . they defected and started eating.  
"Dammit!" Tenchi cried. "I'll be back!"  
"I forbid it!"  
"I won't allow it!"  
"Stop that already!" Kiyone cried. "I have a headache!"  
"I forbid it!"  
"I won't allow it!"  
"Akane, quick, help Kasumi cook and we'll clear out at least half Tenchi's army!" The pigtailed boy cried.  
"You Ranma One Half jerks!" Tenchi cried.  
"You incest promoting Tenchi jerks!" Ranma snapped back.  
"I'll sick my six pack on you!"  
"Well I may only have a four pack, but I'll sick em on you too!"  
Tenchi grabbed a Pokeball and threw it. "Mihoshi! I choose you!"  
"Go Shampoo!" Ranma cried, throwing his own Pokeball.  
The two fought in a big mud pit wearing only very thin string bikinis. Eventually Mihoshi lost.  
"Okay, I choose . . . Aeka!" Tenchi cried, grabbing Aeka by the collar and throwing her into the pit.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka cried as she barreled into Shampoo.  
Shampoo was pinned and she gave Aeka a kiss. Tenchi got a bloody nose and had to be rushed to the hospital.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka cried after she'd been kissed.  
"I forbid it!" Kuno agreed.  
"Shampoo KILL!" Shampoo cried, smacking Aeka across the face with her giant beach ball weapon thingy.  
"Yay!" The crowd of Tenchi's ex-soldiers cheered as they ate Kasumi's food. (Their numbers were now thinning as they ate Akane's cooking)  
"Aeka!" Sasami cried, jumping into the ring.  
"Hey!" Ranma cried. "No fair, that's two on one! Kodachi, I choose you!" Ranma shouted, throwing a Pokeball. However it turned mid-toss, hit him instead and Kodachi popped out with a long rope which she used to tie up Ranma.  
"Yay!" She enthused. "I have my love!"  
"Crap!" Ranma cried.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka snapped.  
"I forbid it!" Kuno snapped. Apparently he and Aeka hadn't figured out which was the more stubborn yet.  
  
About Two Months Later . . .  
  
"So wait a second . . . you two are married?" Tendo demanded his middle child.  
"Yes. Believe me, if Ryoga were worth anything I'd have widowed myself long ago and collected. I'm waiting for the finalizations on his life insurance."  
"Hey!" Ryoga protested.  
"What!" Tendo cried. "How did this happen?"  
Ryoga shrugged. "It wasn't intentional, I didn't understand a word those freaky little gnomes were saying!"  
"Not intentional!" Tendo cried. "You marry my daughter without my permission and now you say it was UNINTENTIONAL?"  
"Well . . . okay, see Ryoga had to take these video game characters to video game land. I went along because they had gold coins and they were practically giving them away. Gold daddy! Gold! Anyway, when we got there we had to figure out how to leave. And we went to this big mountain place full of these sick green perverts who wanted us to get married before they'd let us leave."  
"We later learned that we could leave at any time," Ryoga added. "It's just that only married couples could leave through the particular door Nabiki wanted to use."  
"Dammit I thought it was the only exit!" Nabiki hissed. "And the way they kept screaming 'Rally Ho' freaked me out, I was expecting them to whip out butcher's knives or something stupid like that at any second!"  
"Sure ya did." Ryoga scoffed.  
"Okay, and why were you in such a stupid place to begin with?" Soun asked.  
"Tenchi chased us." Nabiki said.  
"Okay, okay, you'd better explain from the beginning . . ."  
  
One Month Earlier . . .  
  
"Run!" Ryoga cried.  
"MEOW!" The space ship . . . meowed.  
"There, the big stone place, go there!" Nabiki cried.  
"Wait, I remember something about this place from playing FFIX!" Ryoga protested. "I remember . . . something really stupid about this place . . ."  
"No time!" Nabiki snapped. They regretted it later. "Inside!" Nabiki shouted.  
"Rally ho!" A chorus of weird little green things cried.  
"Outside!" Nabiki shouted. She and Ryoga threw themselves out the door and ran for Tenchi.  
This seemed to confuse the incest-promoting warrior. He fired on them to remind them WHY they had gone into the freaky gnome's palace. Nabiki (using a confused Ryoga as a human shield) leapt back into the gnome's habitat.  
"Rally ho!"  
"AAHHH!" Nabiki cried. She jumped out again, Tenchi fired on her again. She jumped in and out of the Gnome's palace several times before the usually ingenious Tendo girl realized that it was one evil or the other.  
"Rally ho!" The dwarves cried, no less enthusiastically as the first time they'd shouted it.  
"Stop that!" Nabiki snapped. "From now on, anyone to shout Rally ho pays me five thousand gil!"  
"Rally ho!" The gnomes cried and paid Nabiki.  
------------------------------  
"Hey!" Ryoga protested. "That's not how it happened, you never thought to demand money, when they started shouting 'Rally Ho', you went into a fetal position and started crying!"  
"Who's telling the story!?" Nabiki snapped.  
------------------------------  
So anyway . . . Nabiki inspected the little gold gil coins. "Acceptable." She said. "Now, how do we get out of here without Tenchi finding out?"  
"We want to pay you more money." The president of the gnomes cried. "Rally ho!"  
"Rally ho!" His people agreed.  
------------------------------  
"That's it!" Ryoga said. "Lemme tell the story!"  
"No! You're gonna tell him something stupid!"  
"Like what? Like how you were running around in circles screaming that the end was near?"  
"Yes!" Nabiki cried.  
"Did she do that?" Soun demanded.  
"Yes." Ryoga said.  
------------------------------  
Anyway, RYOGA stood firm and unafraid of the little green things. "My companion and I are trying to find a way out of here." He said calmly.  
"Dunna interfere wit our drinking time." The mayor said. "Only married couples can pass the Trail of Hell, which we've recently renamed to reflect the nature of married life."  
"Oh Ryoga-honey, marry me!" Nabiki said in panic. "Marry me and let's get the heck out'a here!"  
"What? Calm down, we don't have too-"  
"Take me I'm yours!" She cried.  
"Rally Ho!"  
"AAAHHHH!" She jumped onto Ryoga's shoulders and they both fell over.  
------------------------------  
"Okay, now THAT couldn't have happened!" Soun cried. "I cant imagine Nabiki panicking like that over some silly little dwarves."  
"Eh . . . actually . . ." Nabiki trailed off. "That's pretty accurate . . ."  
"Oh god!" Soun cried.  
------------------------------  
So anyway, Ryoga and Nabiki got married and passed through the Trail of Hell. They fought a big ugly giant thingy, or rather Nabiki had fought the giant by throwing Ryoga at him. Then eventually wondered into a really big closet and met this faun. They were now having tea at his cozy home.  
"Okay, I'm not saying you're not crazy . . . but I know I'm not crazy . . ." Nabiki said to Ryoga. "But I still refuse to believe any magical land exists in my closet."  
"Admit it!" Ryoga scoffed. "I was right!"  
"No, I'm not saying that." Nabiki said calmly. "I'm saying that we just happen to be in a wilderness resembling the one you described . . . and that has nothing to do with my closet. If anything you've just sucked me into your little dream world, I'm not really here, I'm a figment of your imagination."  
"Would you like some tea?" The faun asked.  
"AAAHHH! It talks!" Nabiki cried, throwing herself on the ground, going into a fetal position and weeping. "Mommy! Mommy!"  
"Eh . . . newly weds." Ryoga explained.  
"Ah. Poor girl." The faun shook his head.  
"Yeah-eh hey! What's that supposed to mean?" Ryoga demanded.  
"Well, there's the White Stag, if you capture it you get a wish granted. Go catch it and you can be back in your homeland." The nice Faun said.  
"To hell with that!" Nabiki cried. "I'll catch it and be rich!"  
"Eh . . . you'll have to forgive her." Ryoga said. "She's eh . . . she's very tired."  
"Come back white stag!" Nabiki cried. "I must feast on your soft flesh!"  
------------------------------  
"And so you found the stag and it let you come home?" Tendo demanded, getting bored with this unrealistic story. It was obvious the two had snuck off to Las Vegas and been married by an Elvis Impersonator.  
"No, we got lost in the forest thanks to Ryoga, and then came out through my closet." Nabiki said.  
"I don't believe a word of this." Tendo cried.  
"I thought you wouldn't." Ryoga nodded. "So I brought back proof of our trip."  
"You what?" Nabiki demanded.  
Ryoga reached into his enormous bag and pulled out a little green thing. "Rally ho!" it shouted.   
Tendo screamed like a woman, went into a fetal position and wept. "Mommy! Mommy!" he cried.  
"So that's where you get it from." Ryoga observed, giving Nabiki a look of pity.  
"Rally ho!" The green bugger agreed.  
"I forbid it!" Kuno cried.  
"I won't allow it!" Aeka screamed.  
All things going on, Soun Tendo barely noticed when a weirdo wearing red with cat ears and long white hair jumped through the window.  
"Hand over that piece of the sacred jewel!" the guy snapped, pointing a ridiculously large sword at Nabiki. "Or do I have ta take it?"  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	4. Read Me Next!

Chapter IV (REVISED)  
No Need for Inu-Yasha!  
  
"I wont tell you again, I want that piece of the jewel right now!" The guy with cat ears said. "Don't make me cut you a new one!"  
"Now see here," Soun said. "That's my daughter your talking to, show some respect."  
"Don't you know that I can gut you like a fish? I don't have to show respect, I'm too damn cool!"  
"Hey, that's my wife and I gave her the jewel. If you want to gut some one like a fish . . . gut the dwarf!" Ryoga said.  
"It started out so good, but then turned cowardly." Nabiki spat.  
"He does have a rather large sword." Soun added.  
"Rally Ho!" The little green dwarf cried.  
"DIE!" Inu-Yasha shouted, cutting the little creature in half. To everyone's shock it regenerated, there were now two dwarfs!  
"Rally Ho!" They both cried.  
"Mommy!" Nabiki cried, going into the fetal position.  
"Mommy!" Soun agreed, copying his daughter's actions.  
"Rally ho!" The dwarfs said happily.  
"Ahh!" Inu-Yasha cried. "They're to freaky! I have to retreat, but I'll be back for the jewel shard!"  
"Eh . . . okay." Ryoga said. He waved goodbye.  
"Rally ho!" The dwarfs waved goodbye.  
"They are so scary!" Soun cried.  
"Ah dunno ken hut chur 'alking aboot." The dwarf said.  
"Kill it!" Nabiki cried.  
"KAHHHHHMMMAAAAAYYYYYHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"  
"Oh no, the DBZ guys finished their power up scene!" Ryoga cried.  
"It's okay, even when he's done saying it, it'll take forever for the blast to hit us." Soun said.  
"Rally ho!" The dwarfs cried cheerfully.  
"AAAHHH!" Soun cried, not so cheerfully. "Kill them Ryoga! Kill them and I'll let you marry my daughter legally!"  
"Legally? Didn't you hear the story? We didn't want to get married!" Ryoga cried.  
"Then I'll let you disgrace her publicly by getting a divorce!"  
"What!" Nabiki shouted. "Ryoga don't kill the dwarves!"  
"Two dead dwarfs coming right up!" Ryoga said.  
"Hey!" Nabiki cried. "We haven't even consummated our marriage and you want a divorce already? I'm humiliated!"  
"Rally ho?" Two very confused dwarfs asked.  
"Bandanna attack!" Ryoga cried, cutting them both in half with two bandannas. They regenerated, the top halves were the first to shout those wicked words that made a certain FF9 player marry stupid Dagger just to get out of the dwarf city.  
"RALLY HO!" The top halves with faces cried.  
"RALLY HO!" The bottom halves without faces somehow managed to cry just as loud before their mouths even formed.  
The four dwarfs were shaking hands, and introducing themselves to each other.  
"I'm Bolgott!"  
"Aye, I'm Bolgott!"  
"I'm Bolgott, Aye!"  
"Aye, I'm Bolgott! Aye"  
"Hmm . . . okay . . . I know! Hey, dwarfs!" Ryoga cried.  
"Ach laddie! Wha d'you want?" The spokesdwarf asked.  
"Jump in this sack, there's beer inside!"  
"BEER!" The four Bolgotts cried together.  
"Ach wanna pint!" One of them cried.  
"Ach dunna ken ef I wanna pint or ach galloon."  
"Ach wanna galloon!" Another cried.  
"Ex fully small ta 'old ach galloon!" The last one cried, jumping in. Ryoga quickly tied the bag shut.  
"Yay!" He cried.  
"Just for the record, I wasn't scared of them." Nabiki said indignantly.  
"Ack dunna see no beer in ere!" One of them cried from the sack.  
"AAAHHHH!" Nabiki screamed. She jumped in the air like a cat and landed in Ryoga's arms. "SAVE ME!"  
"I like these dwarfs." Ryoga said to himself.  
"Ach 'ike ya too lad! Now let us oot ov ish bag so we can gut ye-ach mean be friendly toward ye."  
"Okay!" Ryoga said.  
"No! No!" Nabiki cried. "Did you even listen to what it said?" she demanded.  
"I did, I just didn't understand it." Ryoga said.  
A big knife came out of the sack and the dwarfs came out. "We wan oor galloons!" one of them cried.  
"Oh! More children dressed up for Halloween!" Kasumi cried as she came down stairs.  
"Ach, esh a bar maid! Ach be sleeping well oonight!"  
"Ach, me first!"  
"Aye she 'ooks like a spirited one!"  
"I do not want to understand what they are saying." Ryoga said.  
"I caught every word." Tendo said, sucking his thumb now. "Kill them! AAAHHH! MOMMY!"  
  
Inu-Yasha glared at the perverted monk who followed his little group around. "Listen here you sorry excuse for a man of the cloth-I'd have gotten that jewel shard if that demon with the bandana didn't summon his little-eh I mean giant green monster to stop me, okay?!"  
"What? I didn't say anything!" The monk cried in protest.  
"Kagome, cant you get the jewel by pretending to be nice to him?"  
"How nice?" Kagome asked. "If he's a deadly demon, wont I have to be on my guard?"  
"No!" Inu-Yasha said. "My plan is simple. He kills you and I take the jewel from the girl!"  
"There's a girl now?" The chick with the big boomerang asked. "A minute ago it was an army of armored samurais."  
"Eh . . . he played mind tricks on me!" Inuyasha cried.  
"He'll do that!" A boy with a short ponytail said. He wore baggy cloths and had a wooden sword hilt. "I'm Tenchi, and those Ranma jerks are my enemies too. You have to watch out for their mind tricks, the one with the bandanna made me THINK I was giving him my carrot crops, but in truth he stole them."  
"You said he beat you up and took them!" A woman with spiky red hair said. "Don't make me invent a lie detector Tenchi!"  
"It's already been done." Tenchi said. "Anyway, we could be even stronger if we join forces."  
"Wow!" A girl with long blue hair and pig tails cried. "What a cute little fox man thing!"  
"Aaahhh!" Shippou cried. "She's fondling mmeeeee!"  
"An alliance would work to our advantage if this foe is more powerful than Inuyasha." The monk said.  
"Listen here Monk, no one is more powerful than, or even as cool as me!" Inuyasha snapped. "I was just caught off guard!"  
"My name is Miroku, and you know its Miroku!" The monk said.  
"Know, but don't care." Inuyasha noted.  
"I'll help you to CRUSH those Ranma One Half jerks!" A little boy with glasses in robes said. "I'm Harry Potter!"  
"We know you're Harry Potter!" Tenchi cried. "I thought we left you with the Ghost of Sailor Moon in Chapter One!"  
"You did, but I escaped with the help of the Ghost of Sailor Mercury! We geeks need to stick together!"  
"You're not a geek!" Tenchi cried.  
"The glasses make a convincing argument, and I was willing to claim to be anything to get out of that TV series." Potter said coldly. "Though that chick who played chess and turned things into ice was really attractive, she didn't even give me the time of day, I had to put a curse on her so that she'd fade into the background and never be a truly important character."  
"Okay fine, we'll let you join up, but only as a spy." The monk said. "Go and seek information on our enemies, and bring it back to us!"  
"Yay! I'm important!" Potter cried. "Can my friend Ron come too?"  
"Sure, why not?" The monk sighed. When Potter left he said "Now that he's out of the way, let's make a real plan. The way I see it Inuyasha acts like a moron, and hacks things up with his really big sword while the rest of us do the real work."  
"Hey!" Inuyasha whined.  
"Oh you're so smart Miroku!" Shippou cried. "Now think of a way to get this girl off me! She's crushing me!"  
"The perfect replacement for Ryoohki!" The girl said.  
"Meow?" a weird rabbit cat thing said. 'Replacement?'  
Inuyasha scoffed. "Maybe I'm not the nicest guy around, maybe my sword is pretty huge, and maybe I'm not the brightest star in the sky, but my sword isn't that big! Wait, that's a good thing. I'm not that stupid!" He said.  
"Yes, yes, we all hear what you're saying . . . though we don't care. Okay Inuyasha, your role in all this is to distract their fighters while we sneak in and steal the jewel." Miroku said. "Sango, Tenchi and Ryouko will be your backup."  
"Sango and who?"  
"Tenchi and Ryouko, honestly, cant you bother to learn their names?"  
"Bite me, monk!"  
"It's Miroku!" Miroku sighed. "Okay, adjustment to the plan. Inuyasha will distract their warriors and draw up a perimeter, taking any arrow shots or energy blasts directed towards Sango, Tenchi and Ryouko because they are not jerks." Miroku said.  
"Yes! I like that plan!" Inuyasha said. "Wait . . . I have to take all the hits?"  
"That's the plan."  
Inuyasha tapped the stupid priest on the forehead to get his attention, which he already had anyway. "I don't like that plan." He said.  
"Too late, planning session is over! Right everyone?"  
"Hmm? Oh sure." Tenchi shrugged.  
"Whatever you say." Sango said.  
"I was eating a potato chip, what did you say?" Kagome asked.  
"See? Too late to make adjustments to the plan." Miroku said.  
  
Konatsu froze when none other than Harry Potter and . . . his sidekick whose name isn't worth remember walked into the restaurant.  
"We're here for information on . . .you!" Potter cried when he saw Konatsu.  
"You!" Konatsu spat back at Potter. "How dare you come here! I cant let you leave this place alive!"  
"Hey!" Ukyo shouted. "Did I tell ya to quit sweeping, sugar?"  
"Eh . . . no." Konatsu said. He glared at Potter. "Just you wait! I'll make you pay for what you did to me Potter! I'll shove that wand of yours where the sun don't shine!"  
"And where would that be? Wait a second . . . eeewwww!" Potter cried.  
"What do you two want to eat?" Ukyo asked them.  
"Two poisoned specials!" Konatsu cried.  
"Somebody is being awfully talkative today! Maybe I have to get my bullwhip!" Ukyo said, cracking her knuckles.  
"No mistress!" Konatsu threw himself on the floor. "Not that! The regular whip is just fine! I like the regular whip, please not the bullwhip!"  
"That's right, now back to work!" Ukyo snapped. She glared at the two wizards. "What are you staring at? Bring your eyes higher and you'll see my face!"  
"What the . . . are you a boy or a girl?" Potter's sidekick demanded. "Cause you look like a guy but you have breasts. Are you a shemale?"  
"Hmm . . . Two poisoned specials coming right up." Ukyo nodded.  
"Do those taste good?" Potter asked.  
"You won't last long enough for you brain to sense any taste." Konatsu giggled wickedly.  
"Oh good. I always get nervous when I eat foreign food." Potter said. "Listen, were looking for information on Ranma One Half Jerks. Were not sure who or what they are, but we were told this would be a good place to look for information."  
"Die mortals!" Konatsu cried, flinging himself towards Potter, katana drawn.  
"Down!" Ukyo snapped. "So! You want to know about Ranma-honey eh? What do you want to know then?" Ukyo demanded.  
"What's his weakness? Where is his base? Who is the fanged demon who works with him, who has the sacred jewel shard, and how to kill him."  
"Eh . . . cats, Tendo training hall, Ryoga, Nabiki and you cant because he's the main character?" Ukyo offered.  
"She lies!" Konatsu cried. "Dogs, the big hole I just got done digging in the ground with the spikes on the bottom, Shampoo, Mousse, and you'll automatically kill Ranma if you jump into the big hole I just got done digging in the ground with the spikes on the bottom!"  
"Hmm . . . I'll take the shemale's advice, Ron, you take the cross dresser's advice."  
"Cross dresser!?" Konatsu cried. "What does Tsubasa have to do with anything? Wait, you mean me? Why you son of a--"  
"If you call me a shemale one more time I'll tare you up and cook you in an okonomiyaki!" Ukyo cried.  
"Huh? What-oh-what-he-who-key? What kinda stupid crap is that?" Potter cried.  
"Hold me back Konatsu! Hold me back! They have insulted okonomiyaki! They must die!" Ukyo cried out.  
"I'm not holding anyone back! I say kill them!" Konatsu cried.  
"Harry, I think we should run for our lives." Harry's cowardly companion said.  
"Quite right Ron, quite right." Harry said.  
"I give you to the count of three. To be sporting." Ukyo spat.  
"What? No! Don't let the rotter get away! I wanna kill him! You don't know what that little rat has done to me! He must DIE!" Konatsu protested.  
"Silence, don't make me get the bullwhip!"  
"Aww! He got away!" Konatsu cried.  
"Nonsense! Close up early, were hunting book characters, sugar!"  
"Yay!" Konatsu went about preparing to close up shop.  
Ukyo ran out the door, then came back in promptly. "I almost fell into a big hole in the ground with spikes on the bottom with several possible customers impaled on them." She said calmly. "I'm going to assume you know who put it there?"  
"Eh . . . yes . . . I dug it to kill Potter . . ."  
"I'm getting the bullwhip." Ukyo said calmly.  
"NNNOOO!" Konatsu whined.  
  
To Be Continued . . . Even though you all wish it would END! 


	5. A Need for Monkey Business!

Disclaimer: I don't own (deep breath) In order of importance, Ranma 1/2, Tenchi (or any of it's spin offs) Dragon Ball Z, Pokemon, Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9 and or 10, Sailor Moon, Harry Potter, Inu-Yasha (A.K.A. Inuyasha) or the movie Congo. (The one with the albino monkeys and the sign language speaking guerilla.)  
  
Part V (REVISED)  
No Need for Monkey Business!  
  
"I cannot believe you are trying to divorce me!" Nabiki cried.  
"I can't believe you're not on my side!" Ryoga pleaded.  
"I won't sign any papers!" Nabiki scowled.  
"That's okay, I'll forge your signature!" Soun said happily.  
"No!" She wailed.  
"I'm Bolgott!" One of the dwarves said to Kasumi as it tried to climb up her leg and get to the bowl of candy she held.  
"I'm Kasumi! I'm so happy to meet you!"  
"I'm Bolgott!" Another added.  
"Aye, and I'm Bolgott, aye."  
"I'm Bolgott aye! An I wanna 'ave a go wit yeah inta sack wench!"  
"Wench? Which one of you is wench?" Kasumi asked.  
"Aye da bar maid ash 'andy fer us!"  
"'andy an a goo inta sack! Tis Bolgott's favorite things!"  
"Rally ho!" All four cried.  
"Aren't they just so adorable?" Kasumi asked Ryoga.  
Ryoga frowned. "What the heck are they saying?"  
"None of you want to know." Soun said calmly. "And stop talking about them, I'm pretending they don't exist."  
"Rally ho!" They all cried, jumping on Soun and trying to knife him to death. Unfortunately only one of them had a knife and he was the one trying to climb up Kasumi's leg.  
"This is all quite scary." Soun said.  
"Rally ho!" The freaky little green things cried.  
"Hello?" Nabiki demanded. "Doesn't anyone want to know why I don't really want a divorce from Ryoga?"  
"We stopped caring when the dwarves intentions for you sexually oblivious older sister became clear." Soun said calmly. "But if you want to tell us, go right ahead."  
Nabiki glared at them. "Oh forget it! I'll tell my story to some one better suited to understand me than any of you!" She walked over to the wall. "Hello wall!" She shouted loud enough for everyone to hear.  
"Rally ho!" Bolgott cried.  
"Well met e wall!" Bolgott said.  
"D'ya ken ow ta get to da 'andy the bar wench is 'olding?" Bolgott asked.  
"Rally Ho! Da knife goos in an coomes oot, but no blood is aboot!" Bolgott complained.  
"Get this little green FREAK off my back." Soun Tendo said calmly. "Then, perhaps, my little girl . . . can tell me . . . why she wants to remain married to this idiot!" He began to cry. "Oh my little girl is growing up so fast! So fast I say, so fast!"  
  
Inuyasha charged forward, screaming his battle cry. "DISH PANS!"  
His backup also charged forward. Their battle cries were less impressive and much less fear inspiring than Inuyasha's.  
"Charge!" Sango cried.  
"YYAAAHHH!" Tenchi screamed.  
"Purple Monkey Dish Washer!" Ryouko cried. Everyone paused and stared. "What? It's better than Dish Pans!" They continued the charge.  
The Ranma One Half fortress was lightly defended. In fact there was no defense. So it was a surprise when suddenly two wizards appeared, Inuyasha feared that they had been found out, but then he realized it was that stupid Harry Potter! Victory was guaranteed!  
"Shemale THIS you little rat!" Someone cried. Suddenly a huge spatula struck the ground right in front of him.  
"No!" Sango cried. "Only I can use huge weapons! Only me! Die woman die!" Sango threw her boomerang at the approaching ninja. She responded by throwing miniature spatulas. A dozen of the things striking certain spots that made Sango's cloths fall off. The embarrassed Demon Exterminator ran off screaming.  
The ninja girl landed and laughed wickedly. "So you must be friends of Harry Potter!" She cried,  
"No! We hate the little prick!" Tenchi cried.  
"He's our lackey!" Inuyasha cried. "We've no strong friendship with him at all!"  
"Good!" Ukyo laughed. "Because I wanna cut your hair you long white haired kitten!" She cried.   
"I'm a DOG demon!" Inuyasha cried. Inuyasha, Tenchi, and Ryouko all charged her together. And she pulled forth her spatula and with one stroke sent them all flying.  
  
A half hour latter . . .  
  
Miroku smiled happily as Sango dressed herself in her spare set of cloths. He turned to all assembled in war council. "Now, generals Inuyasha, Tenchi and commander Ryouko will give a detailed an no doubt thorough and trustworthy report on the strength of the Ranma One Half army.  
Tenchi and Ryouko were obviously ashamed of their defeat. "We elect General Inuyasha to inform you of how the battle fared!" Tenchi cried.  
Miroku nodded.  
Inuyasha frowned. "Well . . . eh . . . I mean . . . eh . . . HEY! Those mo fo's got like . . . a million armed soldiers!"  
"I see . . ." Miroku nodded. "Very well then . . . we will just have to come up with an army of our own." He began to cackle wickedly. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
"Wait a second!" Tenchi cried. "Why didn't you guys sneak in from behind and get the jewel like the plan said?"  
"Hmm? Oh we got sidetracked when we found this GREAT Ramen place." Miroku explained.   
  
Meanwhile, as Ukyo tortured Konatsu, Harry Potter, and Ron Weaseley or whatever his name is, with her bullwhip, hand cuffs and leather outfits, Ryoga Hibiki sat in council with the Tendo and Saotome clans.  
"We must do something about all these attacks." Soun said. "It's cutting in on my-"  
"I'm Bolgott!" Ranma said in a dwarven voice.  
"AAAHHHH!"  
Akane sighed. "Can Ranma and I go play in my room?"  
"Why do you want to do that?" Kasumi asked.  
"I'm horny . . . eh . . . I mean . . . I'm . . . thorny. Yeah, that's it. I'm thorny and I need Ranma to pull the thorns out of my hot steamy body!"  
"What sha HECK are ye 'talkin aboot!?" Nabiki cried.  
"Shut up!" Akane cried. "You think you're so big and bad, just cause you landed a husband!"  
"Well 'ell yeah I do!" Nabiki snapped. "And I 'idnt even 'ave ter be engaged fer some odd months! And I 'idnt 'ave to contend wit' t'ree other wenches fer him!"  
"The dwarf speech is rubbing off on her." Kasumi observed.  
"Ah shaddap lassie 'an fetch me ah pint!" Nabiki cried.  
"No beer for minors." Kasumi said calmly.  
"Don't mind her dwarf speech. It's her way of coping with the little monsters." Ryoga further explained.  
"Aha! Husband lad, 'ets goo 'ave a roll inta sack!" Nabiki cried.  
"This disturbs me. I cannot understand a word she just said . . ." Ryoga said calmly, "yet I'm compelled to comply."  
"Regardless . . . why doesn't Nabiki want a divorce?" Ranma said. "She must explain! My chances of marrying her may be ruined!"  
"Hey!" Ryoga cried. "She's my wife now, Ranma!"  
"Not for long!" Kinnosuke cried.  
"She shall be mine again!" Kuno added.  
"I thought you liked Akane!" Ranma protested to Kuno.  
"Hmm? You mean we are not talking about Akane?"  
"No, were talking about Nabiki." Ryoga growled.  
"Oh. Then I withdraw my words, and will sit in to see if you say anything about Akane." Kuno said.  
"Ach gotta stoory ta tell ye." Nabiki said.  
"The dwarfs are gone Nabiki." Kasumi sighed. "Long gone."  
"Oh. Thank gawd." Nabiki sighed. "Okay, anyway I have a story to tell you about mine and Ryoga's unconsummated marriage!"  
"Yay! Unconsummated!" Ranma cried. "The 'ell does "unconsummated" mean?"  
Kinnosuke whispered something in Ranma's ear. Ranma blushed, then laughed at Ryoga. "Hahah! Unconsummated loser!".  
"If I may continue," Nabiki said. "It all started on our honeymoon . . ."  
"We never had a-oof!" Ryoga grunted when Nabiki elbowed him in the gut.  
"What I consider to be our honeymoon." Nabiki explained. "You see we were in Final Fantasy Seven when it happened, and I was captured by some freak called Don Corn or something. Anyway he dolled me up and wanted to do me! The sick pig! Anyway Ryoga and Tsubassa bust in there dressed like ladies and rescue me! From that time on I vowed my body and soul to Ryoga, my darling husband!"  
"Actually, Tsubassa wasn't trying to rescue you . . . he just tagged along." Ryoga mumbled. "Telling me how great it was to play dress up and asking me what kind of panties I preferred." Ryoga frowned and lowered his head. "Silk." He added.  
"All the more heroic your deed!" Nabiki said. "And . . . too much information sweet heart."  
"Ryoga dressed up like a girl?" Akane questioned.  
"Ryoga dressed up like a girl!" Ranma laughed.  
"But Nabiki! How could you fall for such a . . . a . . . I don't know what to call him, but he isn't as pretty as me!" Kinnosuke cried.  
"Silence!" Nabiki cried. "I'm not finished. Because then, as we were taking a luxury Garden Cruise in Final Fantasy Eight, we met up with this cute couple, Seifer, and Quistis, and Seifer liked to swing!"  
"I don't think they were a couple, it looked like they were fighting, and he didn't want to swing, he dared me to take a swing." Ryoga explained.  
"Oh! Well . . . I guess it's less heroic for me to tell them how you laid him flat with one punch . . . um . . . well anyway when we found ourselves in Final Fantasy Ten, this guy in red with a big sword came up to us and told us that Tidus-whoever he is-was accidentally killed early in the "game" and he needed us to play through, so we did. It came to this point where this little whore Yuna wanted to make out with Ryoga underwater, and Ryoga said "no" threw her into the water and then we ran from her giant blue tiger thing! And then we got lost in a giant closet! But Ryoga defended my honor in each Final Fantasy game! He is my true love!" Nabiki explained.  
"That's impossible!" Akane cried.  
"Yeah, Ryoga loves playing in the water!" Ranma sneered.  
"Actually everything she's said is true . . . but I don't see why it made her fall in love with me." Ryoga said.  
"I was horny." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Then why is your marriage unconsummated?" Kasumi asked.  
"Well . . . I'm not gonna do it with just anyone c'mon, what sort of girl do you think I am?" Nabiki demanded.  
"But he's your husband!" Soun cried.  
"And he good in bed too!" Shampoo added. Everyone stared at her. Then at Ryoga. "Shampoo guess." Shampoo added and saved herself from Nabiki who was coiling up like a panther ready to pounce.  
Nabiki glared at her. Then at Ryoga. Then at Shampoo again. "Shampoo better be guessing!" Nabiki finally announced.  
"I'm Bolgott!"  
"AAAHHH!" Nabiki screamed, jumping into Ryoga's arms.  
"I may just grow to really like these dwarfs." Ryoga said to himself.  
  
Meanwhile . . . Ukyo interrogated Konatsu. "So sugar, what's up between you and Potter anyway?"  
Konatsu frowned. "The little jerkwad! I was visiting Hogwarts during his fourth book, and the rat forced me to be his date! Oh the book said differently when the author discovered I was a MALE, but the after date . . . activities . . . that ensued will never be forgotten!" Konatsu cried.  
"You did it with Potter?" Ukyo gasped.  
"No, the nappy haired friend of his. But it was terrible none the less!"  
"Sounds like fun!" Ukyo cried.  
"It wasn't. She wouldn't shut up about all the spells she knew. I blame Potter thoroughly."  
"That is actually pretty lame." Ukyo said.  
"I have another reason . . . but it is far to personal!"  
"Not as personal as sleeping with Potter's smarty pants friend?"  
"Nowhere near as personal as that." Konatsu frowned.  
"Yay! Tell me!" Ukyo cried.  
"No! No never!" Konatsu cried.  
"Tell me or I gets me Bullwhip and I plays with you in the dirty way sugar!"  
"No! Never!" Konatsu cried. "Wait . . . No! Not the bullwhip! I'll talk! I'll talk!"  
  
Inuyasha frowned as he sat in the dirt, with a huge albino guerilla picking fleas out of his hair. Of course he hadn't had any fleas (besides Myouga) before coming here!  
"It's wonderful!" Miroku cried. "They see Inuyasha's hair as a sex symbol, they have agreed to help us on the condition that Inuyasha allows them a hour to worship his hair every Sunday."  
"Yay!" Everyone cried.  
"Why did it have to be MY hair?" Inuyasha whined.  
"Don't worry!" Miroku grinned. "Now we can fight that Ranma filth and get the sacred jewel!"  
  
To Be Continued! 


	6. No Need for Albino Monkeys!

Disclaimer: I don't own Time magazine, for the rest, see chapter one and onward.  
  
Part VI (REVISED)  
  
No Need for Albino Guerillas  
  
About a month has passed since chapter 4 . . . or was it 5?  
  
Gohan glared at Ryoga. "I will take revenge for my father Goku! He was a great hero!" They stood just outside the Tendo training hall, staring each other down, glaring at one another with nothing short of utter hatred.  
"This again?" Ryoga cried. "Now I know how Ranma feels!"  
"'Sat mean yer gonna let up on the duels?" Ranma shouted from the Tendo doorway.  
"Of course not! I'll make you pay for my curse, my suffering, and just about everything else that's wrong with my life, Saotome!" Ryoga shouted.  
"You won't mock me!" Gohan cried. "I am Gohan! Son of Goku!"  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted from the doorway, shoving Ranma aside. "Come inside, its time for dinner honey!"  
"AAAHHH!" Ryoga cried. "I can't get used to that! She has to stop calling my 'honey' it just isn't right! Okay let's fight Gohan, before she comes out here to get me!"  
"Wait, I have to power up first!" Gohan cried.  
"What!? Do it faster, she's coming!" Ryoga pleaded.  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "I didn't actually cook for nothing!"  
"Wanna bet!" Ryoga scoffed. "Gohan, finish powering up!"  
"Wait! I've almost run out of time and I'll have to wait for the next episode!" Gohan cried.  
"Curse you Dragon Ball Z jerks!"  
"Don't worry Jerk from the Ranma Cast!" Tenchi shouted. "If it's a fight you want, then a fight you shall have!"  
"Oh thank you!" Ryoga said, tears in his eyes. "You've got no idea what it is like being married to Nabiki Tendo-Hibiki! She buys the cheapest food and condiments, and puts them together in the quickest and cheapest way possible. Then forces me to eat it off of dishes washed with the cheapest soap possible, the sort of cheap soap that doesn't actually come off because we use the cheapest water possible in the smallest amount! She wont even cook the food because it uses power and we can't spend too much money on power, even though we have the cheapest Power Company--"  
"Okay! Okay! We get it!" Inuyasha cried. "Now let us sic our monkey army after ya! My hair is ruined!"  
"That is something I would expect Kagome to say . . ." Miroku sighed.  
"It is something I should be saying." Kagome agreed. "Get these monkeys out of my hair!!!"  
"CHARGE!" Tenchi cried and the monkey army lunged forward.  
Ryoga braced himself for the attack, but was caught off guard anyway. It's just so hard to focus when you're charged by a hord of albino guerillas. And one normal guerilla running up front with an electronic glove that makes words like an idiot (No, I WONT just drop it!)  
Ryoga prepared to suffer greatly for his failure to learn any techniques that involved fighting off a hord of albino guerillas. (Honestly now, how could he have seen it coming?) He waited patiently for death, expecting it, and feeling grateful because he wouldn't have to eat dinner. While Nabiki's cooking was worlds better than Akane's, Akane at least cooked the food.   
Suddenly to his horror Nabiki stood in front of him, her eyes glowed red, she had this strange aura like a super saiyan and she grabbed him by the shirt. "I told you to come in for dinner!" She hissed.  
"I eh . . . er . . . I was busy." Ryoga said.  
"With what!?" She demanded. Ryoga pointed at the advancing army of ugly guerilla things. Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Is that all?" She asked. She turned and whacked them all with a single punch.  
It hit the first guerilla who threw his arms out and caught the two behind him, both of whom did the same thing and caught the three behind them, and so on and so forth, causing a chain reaction and sent the entire army flying.  
"Wow! How'd you do that?" Ryoga asked.  
"A month of pent up sexual frustration makes women crazy!" She informed him. "Now get inside and eat your dinner my husband dear, or I'll show you just how crazy I am!" Nabiki said, sounding dangerously serious.  
Everyone shuddered, then Miroku explained that if Nabiki had a month's worth of pent up sexual frustration it meant Ryoga hadn't been scoring for a whole month, and then everyone pointed at Ryoga and laughed so hard that the surviving guerillas died out.  
  
Meanwhile Goku was with Freeza's distant cousin Ice-ah. Ice-ah was puzzled as to how Goku ended up in the DBZ Reject universe.  
"I'm here because I wasn't good enough for the show . . . but you're the star, how did you end up here?" Ice-ah asked.  
"I'm lost." Goku sighed. "I don't suppose you can tell me how I can get home?" He asked.  
"Use my scouter to track down your son's power level if you like!" Ice-ah said. "Just put in a good word for me with Saban okay?"  
"Sure!" Goku said. He put the scouter over his eye and scanned around. "I found it!" He cried. "I have Gohan with his power level 15,000,000,000. With him is Krillin with his power level at . . . 10. Oh, and there's that Ryoga guy with a power level of 200 and . . . hey, I wonder what could have a power level of 99,000,000,000,000! Oh, it's gone now . . ." Goku frowned. "That was strange, as if some incredible power came forth, launched a single punch that destroyed an army then disappeared again."  
"Like that's ever going to happen." Ice-ah sighed.  
"is it raining guerillas?" Goku frowned.  
"Parts of them." Ice-ah said.  
  
Soun pounded his gravel on the table. Family court was fun because he always got to be the judge.  
"Family court is now in session!"  
"Rally Ho!"  
"Silence!" Soun cried. As the judge Soun Tendo was not afraid of the dwarves. "First order of business, we now have ten very strange little dwarf things. We must find a way to kill them. Second order of business, the divorce of Nabiki and Ryoga!"  
"Never going to happen." Nabiki said calmly.  
"So . . . hungry . . . need . . . real . . . food . . ." Ryoga panted.  
"Rally Ho! Gimme ach pint!"  
"Rally Ho! Where ish de bar wench?"  
"Kasumi!" Akane shouted. "They want to know where you are!"  
"No! No! I'm never coming out of this closet again! They're like an army of little perverts!"  
"Oh my god!" Ranma screamed. "It's a Happi army!"  
"Rally Ho! What a haul! What a haul!" One of them cried, bouncing by with some of Kasumi's bras in its grubby fists.  
"No, no, no! You did it all wrong." Happosai sighed. "You leap around and chuckle, and you don't take bras alone, you need their panties too since panties will be the source of your strength."  
"Bolgott not understand." The dwarf confessed.  
"I know you don't. I know you don't." Happi nodded. "Now let's try again!"  
"Funny how they all focus on you Kasumi." Akane said. "Now I guess you know how I felt at school."  
"Rally Ho! Ish another bar maid!"  
"Dish un ish a oogly un!"  
"Why you! How dare you say that!" Akane cried. "Now I'll make you pay!" She cried as she punched Ranma in the jaw.  
"Ouch! Akane, what did you do that for?"  
"Well I don't want to touch them!" Akane cried.  
"Listen, Daddy, It's pretty obvious that every time we cut them up their genes get weaker. I mean . . . just look at number ten! He's a she!" Nabiki said. Soun nodded.  
"Looks can be deceiving sweet cheeks!" The . . . female (?) dwarf said, batting his/her eyes at Ryoga.  
"Mine! No touch!" Nabiki hissed.  
"I think what Nabiki is trying to say is, if we keep cutting them up there wont be enough left of them to regenerate, is that it Nabiki?" Ranma asked.  
"You want my Ryoga too don't you? Well you can't have him! He's mine!"  
"Riiiigght." Soun nodded. "Okay, on to the next order of business which I now think is taking priority over even the annoying dwarves. Nabiki, as patron of this household I demand you divorce Ryoga or at least, for heavens sake let him eat something decent!"  
"I praise you master Tendo!" Ryoga cried.  
"I'll never give him up! I've already given him my body, I can't love another!" Nabiki proclaimed.  
"WHAT!" Soun cried.  
"What?" Ryoga cried. "You never gave me anything! Be it your body, or a decent meal!"  
"Hmm . . . oh yeah . . . that was Kuno . . . I remember now . . . I think he paid me too . . ."  
"ACH!" Ryoga fainted.  
"That's gross!" Ranma cried.  
"Relax." Nabiki said calmly. "I was kidding, there are some things even I wont do for money. Sleeping with Kuno is one of them . . . but if it were Kinnosuke who offered, it'd be a whole different story . . . eh . . . anyway now that Ryoga has fainted, let me tell you all about my hideously evil plan!"  
"Eh . . . okay." Soun nodded.  
"I don't really care anyway . . . but hideously evil you say? I'm interested." Ranma nodded.  
Nabiki nodded back. "Here it is: I use him to achieve financial glory, I make him realize that with my help he can rule the world or something, make him appreciate-no, depend on me! We'll have a pretty house, a Dalmatian dog, and we'll have two kids. Oh, and maybe we'll hire Kasumi as our maid . . . so long as I can trust her not to have an affair with Ryoga."  
"That's a wonderful plan!" Soun cried. "I wholeheartedly support your marriage to Ryoga, my dear child!"  
"I'm not done!" Nabiki cried. "Because after we've accomplished all that, I'm going to divorce him, take the kids and everything he has, I'll be rich and Ryoga will have to pay not one, but two child support checks!"  
Everyone paused. Even the dwarves stared at Nabiki for a moment. Kasumi even came out of the closet to look at her sister in disbelief.  
Then finally, Genma spoke. "Oh come on people, don't look so surprised! Who actually thought she did love Ryoga? Honestly, I'm not surprised, you shouldn't be either."  
". . . Yeah, you got a point pop." Ranma said. "Oh well . . . Nabiki, take a picture of his face when you tell him you're divorcing him! I want to see his pain and suffering!"  
"Ranma!" Akane cried. "How can you be so cruel?"  
"It's easy, he's my rival." Ranma shrugged.  
"Oh dear . . . Nabiki . . . I suppose I should make dinner, Ryoga will be very upset when he wakes up." Kasumi said.  
"Oh I'm not telling him yet!" Nabiki sighed. "I still have to make him rich, and have his kids. This is a two-year project at least. One year if I can have twins."  
"Oh! Well in that case I'll mark my calendar and have a grand divorce party and a cheer Ryoga up party in two years!" Kasumi said happily. "I get to cook for two parties in two years! Yay!"  
  
Ryoga came around after a few moments of having Genma sit on him. He wasn't sure why everyone thought that would wake him up since being crushed was just more likely to put him into an eternal sleep. Or maybe that was what they wanted! Ranma had turned them against him! He knew it! He'd always known this day would come, he should have prepared more thoroughly!  
"Oh! Ryoga, you're awake!" Kasumi said cheerfully, dragging her feet because there were two dwarves attached to her legs trying to look up her skirt. They were either too content with their current position, or they were to stupid to realize Kasumi was wearing shorts.   
It was very unlike her, but then again she did have ugly green dwarves hanging on her ankles talking about how much they could and could not see.  
Ryoga threw bandannas at them and turned them into four. They walked off introducing themselves to one another, leaving Kasumi completely free.  
"I'm Bolgott!"  
"Aye, I'm Bolgott too!"  
"Ack-I be Bolgott 'swell!"  
"I'm Gimli!"  
The other three dwarves stared at him and drew scary looking knives.  
"Eh . . . I mean . . . Ach-I be Bolgott 'swell!"  
"Oh Ryoga!" Kasumi said cheerfully. "You saved me! I'm so happy! When Nabiki finishes her cruel and evil plan and divorces you, I'll make sure to put extra frosting on your "Cheer Up" cake!" Kasumi enthused.  
"Divorces me?" Ryoga asked.  
"Oh! That's right. You weren't supposed to know!" Kasumi said. "Silly me. Forget you heard anything."  
"Hey now! I wanna know what's going to happen! I thought she didn't want a divorce!" Ryoga said.  
Genma put a sign in front of Ryoga which read: It's all about money with her.  
Ryoga shook his head. Then Soun appeared out of nowhere and patted him on the back. "Come now my son-in-law! We need that belt-sword of yours now. I believe you know the Slice & Dice plan. Now, go cut up some dwarves!"  
Ryoga nodded and started cutting dwarves in half. It lasted all through the night. To his chagrin in the morning all he'd succeeded in doing was raising a huge army of dwarves.  
"Ach! I'm Bolgott!" The soldiers cried in one voice.  
Ryoga shook his head. "That's it! I can't take it!" He hadn't slept all night, he was very tired. His tired mind concocted a plan so diabolical and evil that it worked! "Follow me!" He shouted. "I'm going to go and show you all how to get into Kasumi's closet, then when she tries to get dressed you can all see her naked!"  
A deafening war cry went out among the dwarves, apparently they all approved. So, after several tries Ryoga led his army into Nabiki's room "accidentally". Nabiki was none too thrilled with this, and was all to willing to make her opinion known.  
"Not only do you have the gal to stay up all night with the boys-"  
"I was chopping dwarves!"  
"Silence! Not only do you have the gal to do that, and leave me here all by myself all night-"  
"We don't even share the same room anyway!"  
"Silence! Not only that, but you keep me up late with the sounds of your vicious combat, and then wake me up early with your march for Kasumi's closet-which isnt in this room by the way! You know how I hate waking up early!"  
Ryoga ignored her and ushered his army into her closet which caused her to start screaming and cursing incoherently. Ryoga had once heard that it was unladylike to swear, this then would have to make Nabiki very very unladylike.  
"Go!" Ryoga said, ignoring her insane cursing rant. "Go and be free!" He cried.  
The dwarves all went into the closet and not one came out. Ryoga closed the door and threw every bit of furniture Nabiki owned-except her bed, since she was in it and he didn't want to enter her reach for fear of painful death-in front of it.  
"I'm a hero!" He cried.  
"You're dead!" Nabiki screeched.  
"What? What did I do wrong?" He protested.  
"I'm too tired to think of an excuse to harm you!" Nabiki insisted. "But as you're wife it is my prerogative to do so at any time!" She ran out of her room, and returned with a large axe.  
"Where did that come from?" Ryoga asked.  
"Akane's room! She's got tons of this stuff hiding under her bed with all her dirty magazines."  
"Akane has dirty magazines?"  
"Yes! She's got an issue of TIME that hasn't seen a duster in years!" Nabiki chuckled. "But seriously, that's besides the point! The point is that YOU-my darling, sweet heart love muffin, have interfered with my sleeping pattern! As such, you must prepare to die!"  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Grimm: Yay! 


	7. No REVISION for YOU!

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! To add to the list of things I don't own, I don't own Card Captors. (And I'm glad for that!)  
  
Part VII (REVISED)  
My Title was REVISED because the last one SUCKED  
  
"Oh Nabiki!" Kasumi said happily. "I'm so happy that you're going to divorce Ryoga!"  
Nabiki growled at her sister, then remembered her elaborate scheme of pretending to divorce Ryoga so everyone would shut up about forcing her to divorce. "Oh, sure." Nabiki said.  
"'Cause now I can marry Ryoga!" Kasumi said.  
Nabiki twitched. "Say what now?"  
"Ever since he saved me from the dwarves," Kasumi explained, "I've been madly in love with Ryoga, Dwarf Slayer!"  
"He didn't kill them!" Nabiki protested. "He just shooed them into the magical land in my closet!"  
"Aha. So now you do believe him about the magical land in your closet?" Kasumi asked with a wicked grin.  
"What? Of course not!" Nabiki screeched. "It's just that I have been there and so I believe it may exist."  
"So you do believe it exists." Kasumi smiled.  
Nabiki closed her eyes and rubbed her head. "A migraine! You're giving me a migraine!"  
  
Goku wandered the wilderness of ice and snow. Once again, lost. If only he knew that Ryoga Hibiki-whom by now Goku had, in his frustration, decided to kill-had left a trail of wood chips leading from the lamp post to Nabiki's door Goku might have gotten out. Remembering to use instant transmission might have helped too, but meh, what'cha gonna do?  
He avoided a large wasteland area where this new army of dwarf thingy had set up a dominion, slowly expanding and conquering all of the magical land of the closet, crushing fauns, satyrs, tree spirits, other dwarves etc. The only thing they couldn't kill were the Centaurs because it was their breeding season and no one could get them to come out of the cheap motels.  
  
"Okay sugar!" Ukyo cried. "Tell me now, what's up with you and Harry Potter?"  
"I'll never tell!" Konatsu cried.  
Ukyo waved a candle menacingly. "I'll melt it all over you!" She warned.  
"Why do I think they've done this to each other before?" Ron asked.  
"What's that spell Hermione uses to undo locks?" Harry asked.  
"Wha-shu mean in the first book or the first movie-cause they were different."  
"They were?" Harry cried.  
"I dunno." Ron admitted. "I forgot the movie."  
"But you were IN IT!" Harry cried.  
"Just ask Potter why I hate him so much!" Konatsu cried.  
"Shove off homo!" Harry cried.  
"Harry, why does she-I mean he hate you so much?" Ron asked.  
Harry brooded for a moment. "Okay! I'll admit it! When I first met Konatsu I thought he was a girl so I cast a spell on him to make him my love slave for five minutes, more than enough time. Then I sold him to Percy who's girlfriend didn't show up in the movie so he needed some . . . 'relief' but then he came back saying Konatsu was a guy, so I cast a spell to make Konatsu a girl."  
"SON OF A-" Konatsu began.  
"Oh my GAWD!" Ukyo cried. "Konatsu is a girl now? A real girl? Oh no! Now I have to marry Tsubasa!"  
"What bout Ranma?" Konatsu asked.  
"Hmm? Oh him! Yeah he just doesn't turn me on anymore."  
"BEHOLD MY POWER!" Hermione cried.  
"What is it now?" Konatsu cried.  
"I, Hermione Granger have come to save my friends!"  
"Oh no! It's the girl who can't pronounce her own name!" Ukyo cried.  
"WHAT!" Hermione cried.  
"It's true actually." Harry said. "In certain regions Hermione is pronounced Her-Me-Own and not Her-My-Nee. But she isn't from one of those regions, so she's pronouncing it right."  
"What bloody region pronounces it Her-Me-Own?" Hermione demanded.  
"Hey!" Konatsu cried. "Her me own! It's Shampoo talk for I own her!"  
Suddenly Shampoo appeared out of nowhere. "Shampoo try very hard you know! Shampoo not appreciate girly-boy make slight of Shampoo's speech impediment!" Shampoo ran off crying.  
"Now I feel bad . . ." Konatsu said.  
"As well you should!" Ukyo cried. "Let's go make her feel better by having a girl on girl on girl threesome!"  
"Yay!" Konatsu cried. The two ran off after Shampoo. "This is the sort of thing I'd never have been able to do as a boy! Thank you Potter!"  
"Yay!" Harry cried. "Hermione came to save us!"  
"Like fun I came to save you!" Hermione cried.  
"But you said-" Ron was cut off.  
"I SAID that for dramatic effect. I'm actually here to save Ron, Harry, you can rot you over rated wizard trash!"  
"WAH!" Harry cried.  
"Come Ron sweetie, let's go!" Hermione cried.  
"Eh . . . yay?" Ron asked.  
"Yes Ron, 'yay'!" Hermione said happily. The two of them left Harry to die, but he was later discovered by the girl from Card Captors, put into a card and then sold to Yami-Yugi.  
Thus ends the involvement of Harry Potter characters in this story. Until the final battle, which will be long, drawn out, boring, and we'll need a cook.  
  
"MY sword is a lot cooler looking than your Boomerang! Your stupid Boomerang just looks stupid!" Inuyasha cried.  
"No way!" Sango shouted. "MY Boomerang looks really cool! Your Sword is WORTHLESS!"  
"How can you say that!?" Inu-Yasha demanded. "How many times has this sword saved your life!?"  
"How many times was it done on purpose!?" Sango demanded. "And besides, how many times has this boomerang saved YOUR life?"  
"Never!" Inuyasha screamed.  
"They are at it again." Miroku sighed.  
"No Ryouko, I don't wanna 'party' right now!" Tenchi cried. Miroku eyed him, then looked at Ryouko.  
"You don't?" Miroku asked. "Are you nuts?"  
"Tenchi!" Sasami cried. "I've got an inch, will you scratch it please?"  
"Where is it?" Tenchi asked.  
"All over my hot little body!"  
"Not interested." Tenchi cringed.  
"She's young, I can understand that one." Miroku nodded.  
"Tenchi!" Mihoshi cried. "Kiyone and I got really drunk and we're vulnerable and stuff so we need you to make sure no one takes advantage of us while we undress in front of you and then have girl on girl-"  
"I'm too busy." Tenchi said.  
"Are you gay?" Miroku asked, looking longingly at Mihoshi and Kiyone.  
"WHAT!?" Tenchi cried.  
"Lord Tenchi, I've just completed the assassination-eh I mean my father has just died of natural causes. I must become queen and I need you to be my king!"  
"Well gee Aeka, marriage? That's such a big step." Tenchi said.  
"Are you stupid?" Miroku asked.  
"Of course not!" Tenchi cried. "I just have no reason to have sex with all these incredibly HOT women! I have morals, besides, I'm a virgin, I'm saving myself for the right woman."  
"You are gay!" Miroku cried out. "By the gods, what I wouldn't give to be in your shoes for a day!" Miroku sighed.  
"Would you give all your pieces of the sacred jewel?" Kagome asked.  
Miroku looked at her for a moment, then his gaze drifted and he looked below her neck and then asked "Are those real?"  
"Answer my question." Kagome pressed.  
"Oh sure I guess."  
"Then get ready to rent a room at a motel-six!" Kagome cried, "Cause you're gonna be knee deep in women with bad taste in men in NO TIME!" She cast a spell-or rather threw up one of those big Japanese changing walls and did a quick operation on Tenchi and Miroku-and Miroku was suddenly dressed in Tenchi's shrine guardian farm boy outfit, and Tenchi had Miroku's priest outfit on.  
"We just traded cloths!" Miroku said.  
"If those girls ever saw Tenchi's face they'd never give him any." Kagome said.  
"Hey!" Tenchi cried.  
"Therefore I'm sure they wont notice the different in your faces, and all you have to do is make your voice sound real obnoxious and you'll be able to make them think you're Tenchi!"  
"Gee I like this dress, the breeze is quite refreshing." Tenchi said.  
Miroku glared at him. "It is a robe and you are wearing underwear aren't you?"  
"What? A real man doesn't wear-"  
"Get him out of my cloths!" Miroku cried.  
"Oh lord Tenchi, I've been meaning to ask you something. That devil woman says one of my breasts is bigger than the other, what do you think?"  
Miroku forgot his rage completely. "Oh well I'll have to perform a close inspection of them both." He said. "Come with me. Bring this "devil woman" too I may need her assistance."  
"Yay!" Aeka cried.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Mihoshi: We know what Tenchi looks like!  
Kiyone: Yeah! It's his personality those stupid girls love, not his ugly rat-like face. Mihoshi and I on the other hand have no interest in Tenchi.  
Mihoshi: We have parties of our own. wink  
Grimm: Dang it I'm so tired of this! Everyone knows you two aren't REALLY lesbians, it's a terrible joke that got real old real fast but your both so incredibly sexy that most guys keep the fire alive because they are bored and know they can never score with two women at once unless they give up their life savings!  
Kasumi: Like Grimm!  
Grimm: . . . (weeps) It's true! It's so true! 


	8. No Need for an Ending!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything! No Ranma 1/2, no Tenchi Muyo, no Inuyasha, no Shadow Sill, no Dragon Ball Z no nothing! I don't own Radio Disney either! Are you happy? I own nothing! I'm poor!  
  
Rough House  
Chapter 8 (REVISED)  
Grimm likes to write REVISED in caps!  
  
Ryoga had been gone for a month. No one really missed him besides Tenchi, (who had raised another army and was encamped around the Tendo home waiting for the lost boy's return!) and Nabiki (who wouldn't admit it even if you asked so don't bother). Ranma hadn't realized Ryoga was gone until Akane said: "Doesn't Ryoga usually challenge you to a duel around this time of month?" Then it seemed everyone finally noticed: "hey! Ryoga aint here!"  
Missing as well was the stupid bunny rabbit thingy that the Tenchi army had, and about a year's supply of carrots. No one really believed the two incidents were related, and as before no one really cared.  
Not even Sasami, who'd found a new tiny cute pet thing in Shippou.  
Eventually Tenchi and Inuyasha decided together that with Ryoga gone it was the perfect time to launch an assault on the Tendo home. The one thing they didn't consider was that the series was called Ranma 1/2, not Ryoga 1/2 so Ranma kicked all their butts in a fit of good luck.  
Eventually the invading army made peace. A short-lived peace that ended when Ranma met Kagome...  
  
"Hi! I'm Kagome! I'm just your average middle school student who goes back in time to the feudal era!"  
"Middle school student?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.  
"Yes." Kagome nodded.  
"Did'ja fail a grade?" Ranma wondered.  
"No." Kagome said with face as blank and clueless as Kasumi's.  
"Well then, I got one question fer ya!" Ranma announced.  
"What is it?" Kagome asked.  
"Are those huge honking things real!?" Ranma blurted, and ever since Inuyasha and Tenchi have waged an even more violent war against the Ranma 1/2 cast.  
And it was at this time that the grandest of all heroes came to aid the Ranma 1/2 cast. The grand, and powerful . . . Azusa.  
  
"Oh! That half demon is so cute! Your Azusa's little Chloe, that's what you are!"  
"Chloe?" Nabiki frowned.  
"She's running out of French names." Akane guessed.  
"Get her off me!" Inuyasha cried.  
"Give back my Chloe!" Azusa screamed, trying to rip Inuyasha out of Kagome's grasp.  
"You give back my sex slave-eh I mean body guard!" Kagome screamed.  
"Well, at least she's wreaking havoc in there." Nabiki reasoned. That's when the giant Saiyan space pod crashed into the middle of Tenchi's army of extras. And out popped none other than . . . Ryoohki.  
What? You were expecting maybe Ryoga?  
Well he showed up in the next pod.  
Ryoga emerged from the pod, he was dressed as he normally did, but was also wearing a long cape.  
"I, Ryoga Hibiki, have returned!" He announced.  
No one cared, everyone was trying to escape Azusa.  
"Give me back my Marianne!" Azusa screamed, trying to rip Kuno's head off his shoulders.  
"I forbid it! I am NOT your Marianne!"  
"I won't allow it! He is indeed your Marianne!" Aeka snapped.  
  
BTW, during the month long wait for Ryoga's return, Aeka and Kuno tried to get married since they were soul mates an all, but when the minister said "Do you take this man/woman to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife" their responses had been . . . you guessed it.  
"I FORBID IT!"  
"I WON'T ALLOW IT!"  
  
Ryoga snuck to the Tendo home before Azusa could land eyes on her darling Charlotte, but Nabiki was the one in charge of the door.  
"Let me in!" Ryoga pleaded.  
"Slip a five spot under the door." Nabiki demanded.  
"I'm your husband for god's sake!"  
"You've been gone for a month, for all you know I have a new husband!" Nabiki said.  
"Really?" Kinnosuke popped up from out of nowhere, hope in his eyes, and his stupid butler doll in his hands.  
"Not you!" Nabiki whispered. "I'm just trying to get some spending money-go away you financially impaired infidel!"  
She opened the door for Ryoga, who immediately presented Akane with various traveling gifts. Nabiki hit him over the head with a table.  
"My, my. What couple do they remind you of?" Soun asked Genma.  
"Never expected it from Nabiki." Genma nodded.  
"You know if he dies, you collect life insurance and you can remarry." Kinnosuke noted.  
"Are you STILL here?!" Nabiki demanded.  
There was a knock on the door, Kasumi answered it and invited Tenchi, Inuyasha, Kiyone and Kagome inside. She was oblivious to the fact that they were, one: all wielding pieces of wood with nails driven through one end, and two: they were sort of waging deadly war on the Tendo clan just a moment ago.  
Regardless they came into the common room and Tenchi spoke.  
"We, of the Tenchi/Inuyasha military have agreed. We surrender, if you call off your evil demon girl!"  
"Yay!" Ranma cried.  
  
Azusa was lured away with a trail of jellybeans and stuffed animals. The war was... over.  
Except when Ryoga looked over at Kagome and shouted "Holy hamsters! Are those things REAL?" and got not only a very heavy chair slammed into his back by Nabiki, but a slap on the cheek from Kagome, and the war was once again initiated.  
  
100 years later . . .  
  
Tenchi X sighed. "We've come to negotiate peace." He said.  
"Holy squeedly spooch!" Ryoga VIII cried, pointing at Kagome XII. "Are those things REAL!?"  
He was hit over the head by a heavy chair wielded by his sister, Nabiki VII.  
Alas, they shall never learn.  
  
100 years ago . . . er present date I guess . . .   
  
"One final battle!" Tenchi cried.  
"Well bring it on then!" Ryoga cried. "With my cool cape, and my Shadow Sill I'm unstoppable!"  
"I was wondering why he was wearing that cape." Mousse frowned.  
"Shut up four eyes!" Harry Potter cried.  
"Four eyes!?" Mousse cried. He and Harry Potter started fighting to the bloody death. Mousse won.  
Ryoga got into the usual somewhat gay Shadow Skill pose and recited the somewhat annoying Shadow Skill battle oath thingy, then sent a powerful kick that sent Tenchi's head flying.  
"Goal!" Miroku cried. He quickly tore the cloths off Tenchi's dead body and put them on himself. "Girls, guess who's back!"  
"Go away!" A very pregnant Mihoshi cried.  
"You've already knocked us all up last time you changed faces Tenchi!" An equally pregnant Washu cried.  
"The only one you didn't do was Sasami!" A massively pregnant Kiyone snapped.   
"And that's cause she's like five years old." Miroku protested.  
"I'm older than THAT!" Sasami screamed.  
"Really?" Miroku frowned. "I dunno, you cant be a day over ten... anyway... we'll talk when you turn eighteen, until then, go away."  
"Scum!" Sasami wailed an ran off wringing Shippou's neck.  
"And we want pickles and ice cream!" Ryouko-who didn't really look pregnant at all-shouted at Miroku.  
"Ice cream? Yeah, that sounds good-go fetch Ryoga!" Nabiki demanded.  
"Why?" Ryoga asked.  
"Because I'm your wife and you want to eventually lose your virginity you darn fool!"  
"I'm not entirely sure why Ryouko insists a pregnant woman would want pickles and ice cream. I mean, honestly that's just her." Tenchi's dad whose name I can't spell said.  
"I want the ice cream anyway!" Nabiki declared.  
"What! Oh god-you're pregnant too!?" Ryoga demanded.  
Nabiki blinked. "Yeah, sure. Idiot." She shrugged.  
"But we've never even-"  
"Did I or did I not tell you to do something!?" Nabiki demanded.  
So Ryoga and Miroku ran off to get ice cream and pickles.  
And Tenchi, who wasn't quite dead, began complaining.  
"I can't feel my legs you guys!" He shouted. "Hey! Hey! C'mon now! HEY-YO! I'm down here! Ouch! Hey, watch it Inuyasha, you stepped on me! Ouch! Now you're jumping on me! GOMP! Now-er-overing-ee-ith-dirt an-burying-ee!"  
  
100 Years Later . . .  
  
Tenchi X: Hey! I've dug up something!  
Tenchi: That's me!  
Tenchi X: Great ancestor! You are a talking head!  
Tenchi: I've been buried for 100 years! I need some fresh air!  
Tenchi X: Of course! But . . . you don't have lungs, how are you even talking?  
Tenchi died in a fit of logic. He shall be missed. By everyone but me!  
  
Present Day... as if you still care...  
  
Everyone had sat down around an enormous table to eat a delicious dinner cooked by Kasumi, Sasami, and to everyone's horror, Kagome and Akane had pitched in too.  
Yes I am comparing Kagome's cooking to Akane's, you have a problem?  
Tenchi was too intent on his diet of carrots to really try anything else, and since he was a severed head it wasn't as if anything made it to his stomach.  
Inuyasha on the other hand took one bite of Akane's food and . . .  
"ACK! Are you trying to kill-hey!" He said, a light bulb lit up over his head. "This is GREAT! Can I have some of this to go?"  
"Oh sure." Akane said, giving Inuyasha a great heaping helping of her cooking.  
"Yay!" Inuyasha chucked, then cackled sinisterly.  
"What the heck are you so happy about?" Kagome demanded.  
"I'm going to go have a picnic with Seshomaru!" Inuyasha laughed. He ran off.  
  
Later...  
"You know Inuyasha, you're right, we brothers should get along better. And this picnic looks wonderful."  
"Yes... eat up." Inuyasha sneered.  
  
"I wonder where Ukyo is..." Ranma thought out loud.  
  
"We've been in this dungeon for a while now." Konatsu whined. "I think I remember something about human beings needing to take in water every three days or they could die of dehydration. It's been a month Ukyo and we've drank nothing but our own blood!"  
"And each others." Ukyo observed.  
"Can you untie me now?" Konatsu pleaded.  
"No." Ukyo shrugged. "Wow, this large bottle of water would be so good . . . poured out then shoved up yer rear Konatsu!"  
"You did NOT just say that! There is no god!" Konatsu cried.  
  
Back at the feast...  
  
Ryoga and Koga were arguing over who's headband was cooler, and weather or not Kagome's... "girls" were real. Nabiki watched with utter disgust. Weren't her "girls" big enough that Ryoga would ask her if they were real or not? The fool! The cretin! The... eh, who cared?  
But then Nabiki had a strange urge to scream and curl herself into a ball. She wondered why.  
"RALLY HO!"  
"MOTHER OF GOD!" Nabiki screeched, she leapt ten feet out of her chair and landed on Ryoga's head, clawing at his face screaming "THEY'RE BACK! YOU DIDN'T KILL THEM ALL!"  
"RALLY HO!" The dwarves cried.  
"Okay, this is to much." Soun said, curled into a ball and perched on Genma's head.  
"If you don't get off my head I'm going to tell that five year old school teacher that you're in love with her!" Genma warned.  
"Scoundrel!" Soun whimpered, and threw himself off Genma's head. The huge army of dwarves trampled him.  
"R-R-Ryoga! Kill the dwarves!" Nabiki commanded.  
"I can't see." Ryoga said.  
"You don't have a sense of direction, you don't need to see which way you're going, just hack and slash!" Nabiki commanded.  
"With that?!"  
"You dumb belt sword thingy!"  
"Oh sure, it's dumb but you want me to use it to save your life."  
"RALLY HO!"  
"Stay out of this!" Ryoga and Nabiki snapped at the same time.  
"Where ish da bar wench? D'ya ken?"  
"I'm NOT here!" Kasumi screamed. She leapt twenty feet into the air then landed on Nabiki's head, clawing at her little sister's face and kicking dwarves who were now trying to climb up the ever-growing tower of people.  
"Gerroff me!" Nabiki cried.  
"My neck is snapping like a twig! Ranma, switch places with me!" Ryoga cried.  
Everyone just stared at the three of them. Eventually it was decided that they should save Kasumi so some one could cook breakfast, but they would leave Ryoga and Nabiki as they were so as to have some entertainment with their dinner.  
"If we don't save Kasumi we have to eat Akane's cooking!" Ranma shouted.  
"What about ME?" Nabiki whined.  
"Die with your husband." Ranma nodded.  
"I hate you all!" Nabiki shouted. "If I go down you're all coming with me!" She forced Kasumi off her shoulders and onto Ryoga's then she climbed up onto Kasumi's head. "Now if you save Kasumi you have to save me!" She announced smugly.  
That's when the rescue helicopter (yes helicopter) swooped down and Kinnosuke was lowered down on a cord. "Grab my hand Nabiki, and I'll pull you and Kasumi to safety!"  
"What!? I know where those hands have been! In that stupid Butler puppet of yours!" Nabiki scowled. "Don't touch me!"  
"RALLY HO!"  
"SAVE ME!" Nabiki leapt onto the helicopter and knocked Kinnosuke off by cutting the cord that held him. He fell to his gruesome death under a hord of dwarves trying to get to Kasumi.  
"WE WANTS DA BAR WENCH!"  
"WE NEEDS OUR ALE AN ACK PINTS!"  
Now that she was in no immediate danger, Nabiki stopped caring about what was going on down there and, after throwing the helicopter pilot out of the machine flew off in search of fortune and adventure.  
  
Five minutes later . . .  
  
Nabiki woke up in her room. Her head really really hurt so from that she could guess that she was hung over and she suspected she was going through some sort of withdrawal from some sort of drug, possibly marijuana which she'd never touched before in her life so she was sure she'd had proper time to go into withdrawal. She was also pretty sure she'd crashed the helicopter.  
Oh no, she was just listening to Radio Disney. Damn that Hamster Dance song!  
"Aw man! Her eyes are open, I guess she's still alive." Ranma said. "Sorry ma, no vital origins!"  
"Can't I just take the ones she doesn't need? No one needs their liver!" Nodoka whined. "Nabiki, do you drink? You don't need your liver, it's doing nothing for you! Don't hog that healthy liver! At least let me have your kidneys!"  
"What's with her!?" Nabiki demanded.  
"She took the blue pill." Ranma said.  
"Huh?"  
"Follow the white rabbit!" Nodoka cried. "White rabbit my as-"  
"And that's enough of THAT!" Genma said, leading his hysterical wife away.  
Nabiki glared at Ranma. "And what are you doing here? Where am I?"  
"Your in your bedroom recovering from the shock you met when you went to Las Vegas and after making four million dollars in two minutes lost it all when you bet on red twenty six." Ranma said. "We feared you'd never get out of your coma, it's been all of three minutes."  
"Where's Ryoga?"  
"No one knows, or cares." Ranma said. From outside Nabiki heard a faint "Hey Shampoo! What are you doing in Nebraska?"  
"Bring me my foolish husband now!" Nabiki ordered Ranma.  
"Eh... I'm the one that doesn't obey your every order." Ranma reminded her.  
Nabiki glared at him, "Do you remember Akane's birthday party last week? Sure you do. Remember how you got wasted and went nuts with Kuno and five other guys? No? Then let me refresh your memory!" She then held up a rather interesting photo of Ranko, Kuno and five unknown guys all of them involved in... a very interesting act...  
"Where'd you get that!" Ranma screamed.  
"I helped Kasumi throw the party you dummy!" Nabiki growled. Actually Kasumi had thrown the party, Nabiki just set the table and claimed to have helped so she wouldn't have to buy Akane a present. But since she'd been feeling generous at the time she gave her little sister a battery she'd found on the side of the road one day. Akane gave her a look that could've killed, but Nabiki was sure that was her way of saying "Thanks, you're the best sister ever!"  
  
Ryoga was led into Nabiki's room. Nabiki looked frail and weak, and she spoke to him as if she'd just got finished listening to Radio Disney.  
"Ryoga... I'm going to die!" She coughed.  
"That's cool-eh I mean... damn!" Ryoga said.  
"I have... just one request." Nabiki said.  
"Shoot. Where were you going to have the funeral? I'll have to leave now if I want to get there in a week so I can dance on your grave." He scowled, not believing a word she said.  
"Dammit Ryoga!" Nabiki growled. "I just got done listening to some freak talk about recycling! I'm closer to death than Konatsu tied up down in the basement without food or water for a month, and soon I'll be deader than Kinnosuke!"  
"Actually Kinnosuke survived." Ryoga noted.  
"That cad!" Nabiki growled. "Now I have TWO last requests. Fist is kill Kinnosuke for me. The second... my darling..."  
"Yeah?" Ryoga asked.  
"Sign these life insurance papers... oh, and this thingy that says if you-er I mean I ever die I-er I mean you inherit five hundred billion yen from a secret government cache. This way I know my beloved husband will be taken care of after my passing..."  
"Eh . . . sure." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki nodded. She sat up and jumped out of her deathbed. "So... any dinner left?"  
"Akane's cooking-hey! You're not dying! I knew it you liar!"  
"Yes, and you've signed several papers entitling me to vast amounts of money should you ever die."  
"Why'd you do that?" Ryoga asked.  
"Because I'm so smart and powerful I could! Now come my darling, let's plan your alternate identity and prepare to fake your death." Nabiki said. "Just one question before we do that . . ."  
"What?"  
"Where's my damn ice cream you jackass!"  
  
The End . . .  
  
!!AFTERSHOCK!!  
Nabiki interviews Grimm on the future of Rough House . . . wait . . . is it supposed to have a future?  
  
Nabiki: It's not over?!  
Grimm: Not as such, no.  
Nabiki: Cretin!  
Grimm: We'll I have a sequel series planned, after you make Ryoga fake his death you guys travel the anime/video game/Manga/ what the heck ever universes in a sort of Kingdom Hearts style adventure! It's called Queendom Hearts, you travel on the Star Ship Titanic guided by the Hitchiker's Guide to Crossovers!  
Nabiki: Why?  
Grimm: I live a very boring life. Writing this stuff-as painful as it is for me-is just about all I've got to do when there's nothing on TV.  
Nabiki: Why do you only write Nabiki/Ryoga fix?  
Grimm: Because Grimm/Kasumi wouldn't work.  
Nabiki: Seriously!  
Grimm: Because I don't like Akane, I never feel like doing a Ukyo/Konatsu, and you two are my favorite characters.  
Nabiki: That's a crummy excuse!   
Grimm: You two also look hella-good together.  
Nabiki: Everyone knows Ryoga ends up with that stupid little Akari whore!  
Akari: What? Y-you don't like me?  
Nabiki: Silence wench! And stay away from my Ryoga!  
Grimm: Don't you want to know if maybe I have a bonus chapter planned for Rough House?  
Nabiki: After reading this chapter? No, I don't care.  
Grimm: For the continuing adventures of Nabiki, Ryoga and the FF9 dwarves check out Queendom Hearts, to find out why the dwarves left the magical land of Nabiki's closet read the bonus chapter!  
Nabiki: No! Don't!  
Grimm: If you review, I may do more bonus chapters too!  
Nabiki: I cannot let you review! (Pulls the plug on your computer)  
  
The End! (the bonus chapters became the sequel instead) 


End file.
